Posted by itsme2003 on January 22, 2007, at 8:19:29
In reply to Advice on neediness, posted by DannaB on January 20, 2007, at 21:27:13
DannaB,
First let me say that I am only on this board from time to time, so if you reply to me it could be as long as a month before I reply back.
I can't tell from your post if you want to stop being as needy, of if you just want to conceal your neediness, although my guess is that you'd like to be less needy, but if you can't be then you'd like to exhibit less needy behavior even if you feel needy inside. That is the assumption that I will base my answers on.
The first suggestion that I will make is to not work too hard to conceal your neediness. Suppose that you do a great job of concealing your neediness now, but several months further into the relationship you can no longer make all the effort. Now your guy finds out how needy you really are. He may feel tricked, or resentful, and that could bring about the end of the relationship, after you have invested more of you time and energy into the relationsip. Remember the old rule, "Women get into a relationship with a man because she likes his potential. Men get into a relationship with a woman because they like who she is right now." Like any rule it's not always right, but it does provide good guidance. Generally (and this is a gross simplification), men expect women to remain as they were in the beginning of the relationship. I believe that it's usually best to get stuff like this out in the open early in the relationship. I don't mean "first-date early", but fairly soon in the relationship. You don't have to introduce all the details, just the concept. It's possible that bringing this out could be the beginning of the end for the relationship, but if that is the case, it's generally better sooner, rather than later, so that you can then spend your energy in finding someone who will be more tolerant of your neediness.
The best overall answer is to address the underlying neediness. Based on your post it's clear that you already know the types of things that you should be doing. Planning activities with your friends, taking part in other social activities, and generally having a life outside of your relationship with him will make your relationship better. The best advice I can give about that is to start small and build up. Try to find activities that are at a level that you can feel good about doing them on your own. Just as an illustration, if it's too difficult for you to make plans to go to a party on a Saturday night when you know he won't be around, then maybe you can try going to a zoo or a park on a Saturday afternoon when you are on your own. Try to find things that are easy to do on your own and that you really enjoy.
Regarding the fact that he used to contact you more, there are two things that could be going on. First, it's normal in any relationship to not put out a much effort later on in the relationship compared to what you put out right at first. On the other hand, this really could be a warning sign that something is amiss. I don't know enough about your situation to give any guidance about that.
Finally you should recognize that some needy behaviors may be more acceptable to him than others. Every man is different, so what is acceptable to me might not be accteptable to other men, but here is what is and is not OK with me. Let me further qualify this by saying that I'm talking about emotional needs, but I'll be referring to physical acts.
It's OK with me when a woman asks me to open a jar, hammer in a nail, carry something heavy, or make a dinner reservation. It's important to recognize that these acts contain both a physical component (whatever the task is) and an emotional component (in a relationship I can be a good "provider" and will take care of her). It is NOT OK with me to discuss the status of the relationship frequently (unless there really is a problem), to revist closed issues in the relationship frequently, or to spend too much time discussing emotional issues (and I feel that I am much more willing to discuss emotional issues than the typical male). These areas involve mainly an emotional component.
You should do your best about overcoming the neediness and about reducing your needy behaviors, then not worry about the parts you can't overcome.
poster:itsme2003
thread:724624
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20060920/msgs/725107.html