Posted by LJRen on December 23, 2006, at 1:40:24
In reply to Re: Don't know how to have a healthy relationship, posted by DannaB on December 21, 2006, at 23:40:24
> Thanks very much for your kind and thoughtful response. I liked what you said about asking twice is enough to ask. Sometimes I am too persistent ;)
>Hey, been there, done that. We just want what we want and sometimes it's really hard to take no for an answer. Eventually though, you get tired of the struggle.
> I think one thing that is really hard for me is that I am high strung. The reason I am high strung is that my mother is extremely high strung and was constantly yelling at us kids and worrying about x, y and z. Therefore, it is *very* hard for me to relax. Sometimes I think people won't want to be around me because of it. I have made progress, but I think my nerves have been "sensitized" and maybe I'll always be stressed out and tense (to a degree) :(
>Gotta love it when parents pass along their bad habits down to you. It always amazes me that people don't realize that children pick up on EVERYTHING their parents do & say. So whatever they do repeatedly good or bad their kids are bound to end up doing it too. Parents are responsible for teaching their children how to live, function and be as happy as possible in this world. With some of the things I learned from my folks, it's like having a school teacher teach 2 + 2 = 5, as in totally the wrong thing.
I inherited my mom's short fuse and I find myself snapping at inanimate objects b/c things don't work right or flow smoothly. Sometimes I will stop myself & breathe. Tell myself not to sweat the small stuff. But man, sometimes I just can't let it go even though I should.
As far as your nerves go, have you considered getting massages? Meditating? Yoga? In trying to bring some balance and understanding into my life I've explored a little bit of spirituality. It's helped a bit. Still discovering, learning more. Perhaps it will bring some peace.
> It's also very hard for me to trust anyone fully and also to feel like I'm being heard (even if I am) because it was so hard to be heard at home and my boundaries were so violated. And I have a lot of anger inside that I try to suppress, but I'm always scared it will come out and that will mean I'm a bad person.
>I didn't even know what boundaries were until a few years ago. Again, never was a lesson taught by either of my parents. And I have trusted too easily in hopes of gaining friendships, relationships quickly since I've always been lacking in those. But anger doesn't make you a bad person. Stored up anger means a lot of bad things happened to you when you were too young to do anything about it. Then, as adults, having learned these f*ed-up traits, defense mechanisms you find life to be harder than it has to be, so that brings on even more anger. How you choose to channel your anger determines the kind of person you are though. And years ago, I didn't handle my anger well. Repeated my mother's actions a couple times and took out my frustrations physically. Until it dawned on me, I didn't want to be like her anymore. So now when I get super pissed, it shifts over to saddness & tears.
> Lastly, it's hard for me to feel lovable. Somehow feeling unlovable seems to drive people away.
Can't tell ya how many times I've heard the saying, "How can anyone else love you if you don't love yourself first?" And I don't know if I'll ever get to the point where I truly love myself, but right now I do know I am worthy of a good, decent man who will respect me, love me and do right by me. So you gotta embrace the parts of you that you know are good. Mine are honesty, moral values, good work ethic, listening well, thinking of others, to name a few. I got my bad parts that I hate and I still beat myself up too much for them, but I think I'm getting better. But the bad doesn't take away from the good. So focus on your good and say, "Hey, I'm worth it."
Anyway, sorry this is so long again. I'm long winded in conversation too. :)
Remember... just breathe.
Ren
poster:LJRen
thread:714409
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20060920/msgs/715815.html