Posted by LJRen on December 21, 2006, at 9:38:41
In reply to Don't know how to have a healthy relationship, posted by DannaB on December 16, 2006, at 21:39:12
I hear ya DannaB! Had nasty childhood. Wouldn't have known a healthy relationship when I entered adulthood if it had slapped me in the face. Recognized some early bad habits with my first 2 boyfriends. Didn't like what I saw and have made big efforts not to continue those habits. But insecurity still runs amok sometimes.
Nasty childhoods tend to produce adults who a)don't have very high self-esteem, so in turn it's hard for them to believe anyone would want them, b)never been fully loved, appreciated, respected, and/or treated right so far in their lives so they're naturally attracted to relationships where they're not treated right. Heck, not being treated right is what they're used to, it's the natural state of their world. Anything better is almost uncomfortable b/c it either feels false or undeserved.
Anyway, my point to all of that is, you're dealing with a lot of junk and trying to go into a relationship, it's understandable you're stressed. My personal belief is that while it may be an imperfect picture that you have these insecurities & junk that cause you to act inappropriately sometimes, you must keep in mind that we are human and no one is perfect. Let me repeat that: NO ONE IS PERFECT. Just as long as you honestly recognize your imperfections and actively try to improve upon them then any partner worthwhile should not hold your insecurities & junk against you but instead be patient & work w/ you to make it better.
Plus, in remembering no one is perfect, your boyfriend is not perfect either. But again, patience is key here. Don't make assumptions, don't jump to conclusions, don't believe you already know what he's thinking. (I say these things b/c they're mistakes I've made in the past.) Instead, just breathe. Yes, breathe in some deep breaths and think positively. Then start listening and calmly talking. Stop & think, then express to him exactly what you want/need. And be sure to ask what he wants/needs too. Relationships are 2-way streets. Compromise is also key.
When you find yourself really struggling to get what you want, that's a sure sign that you're going about getting it the wrong way or that you should just give up trying. ie:You really want your bf to join you in doing a certain something. You ask nicely, he says no. You express to him why it's important to you that he go with you. He still says no. Anything beyond that point would be a struggle and you'd have to start being manipulative to get what you want. And you don't want to be that kinda woman. I'm not saying you have to happy about it. I'd be disappointed but I'd leave it at that. Wouldn't take it out on him but he would eventually pick up on my disappointment and perhaps act differently in the future. I could explain more if you want...
There's my 2 cents worth DannaB. Hopefully with your therapy and by taking a good look in the mirror you'll learn you are worth it. You'll realize there is a lot of value to you just b/c you're you. The fact that you are here on this board, that you are in therapy shows you want to be better, you want to be a better person - what man in his right mind wouldn't want a woman like that? But you're valuable to you - that's what's most important really. When a guy appreciates your value too, that's just icing on the cake. :)
Good luck,
Ren
poster:LJRen
thread:714409
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20060920/msgs/715407.html