Posted by caraher on March 14, 2006, at 8:19:46
In reply to Weighty issues in a marriage, posted by ExcellentCamper on March 13, 2006, at 19:22:07
> * Has any guy here ever been able to truly accept his mate being obese or greatly overweight after once having a problem with it? If so, what brought about that acceptance?
My wife gained 60-70 pounds during pregnancy that she didn't lose for years. I did not find that attractive at all but I also didn't nag her about it. Yes, it came up from time to time but we discussed it more in terms of health than how I thought she looked. I'm sure she understood I wasn't a big fan of there being "so much more of her to love" but I didn't see that as the most important aspect of that. Really, at that time in our marriage my number one gripe was her not having any time for me, not her weight.
The business of making marriage contingent upon her losing weight and your meeting whatever demands she placed upon you seems quite strange to me. Before we got married my wife felt she was slightly overweight and would ask me if I would marry her at her current weight. My joking reply was that I'd marry her at that weight - or less. I think it's OK to be honest about what you desire physically. But what let us both laugh at my reply was the knowledge that I wasn't recording her weight and asking her to weigh in on our wedding day.
I think you have to look at this as just one of many things that change over time. Sometimes one or both of you will be ill, perhaps chronically, and that is not going to be attractive. While your view of marriage may be different, to my mind it's about commitment. And that means staying true to your spouse during these rough periods, without any guarantee that things will return to the way they were before. A comfort of marriage (for me) is knowing this commitment works both ways. I might spend years depressed, but although she may not have married me had she known me only as someone with depression I can be reasonably assured that she won't abandon me when depression sets in.
So back to your question about acceptance... think back to when you married her. It wasn't because she was slim; we know that much. Whatever it was certainly didn't go away because she gained back some weight. I think you need to remind yourself of the things that led you to marry her in the first place, and perhaps reframe your question about acceptance not in terms of her body - which, like yours, will not always be what either or both of you would ideally want - but in terms of the total woman.
> * Or are there examples of a partner getting down to an ideal weight and it inspiring a more successful marriage?After many years my wife decided to get serious about losing the excess weight, and did so withini a year or two. Did that inspire a more successful marriage? I don't know if I'd say that. I think her taking better care of her body was a positive thing. But how the marriage fared depended a lot more on how we behaved on a given day than anything else.
> * Or perhaps the larger issue is my somehow getting over my perfectionism and that self-acceptance spilling over to my relationships with others. How have you gotten over perfectionism?
By being perfect! (Just kidding!)
I think how you deal with "flaws" is important. It sounds like there's a lot you love about her as well as some things you wish were different, and the same you could probably say of yourself to some degree.
poster:caraher
thread:619915
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20060220/msgs/620133.html