Posted by ExcellentCamper on March 13, 2006, at 19:22:07
My wife and I nearly separated tonight in a marriage counseling session. I cried so much as we spoke on the way home -- giving each other permission to say whatever it was that we wanted. (I really have a problem with 'going in my head' and not coming out with things.) What really got me was when she said that I am so hard on myself and I view myself and the world through this perfectionistic filter. When I started crying, I looked over and saw how beautiful she is and started thinking about all we have shared together. We were friends before we got involved, and I have to say that what initally held me back from pursuing her from the beginning as a romantic partner was her weight. I know this is a sensitive subject with a lot of women, and for even bringing it up I might come across as a lout.Back when we met, N weighed more than 230 pounds. One night we ended up in bed together -- about a month after meeting -- and the sex was surprisingly powerful. I say surprisingly because I had never had sex with someone who was overweight. I'm very health conscious, and overweight people had never been attractive to me before. But N has a very magnetic, powerful spirit and is a beautifully exotic mix of Indian and Filipino. We ended up becoming boyfriend and girlfriend, then engaged, then husband and wife. Along the way we've helped and supported each other through some heavy stuff, including N's second hospitalization for bipolar disorder. But my attraction to other, thinner women has never faded. It's always been a major issue for me, and by extension, for us. Part of my agreeing to move to this blue-collar city in the Midwest from D.C. was inspired by a belief that early in our marriage, it'd be wise for me not to live somewhere where the women were so thin, stylish and attractive. (Apologies to those from the Midwest, as I am originally.)
I was up front about my issue in pre-marital counseling, making her getting down to a healthy weight a condition of our marriage, both for her health and myself. (She had some conditions of me as well.) She promised that she would lose the weight then, even seemed to embrace the concept, twirling around the title "Final Days of a Fat Chick" for the book she hoped to write one day. She had some success leading up the wedding, losing about 40 pounds, but stalled out in the months before. She now probably weighs about 215 or so. I have a long list of things that I and we would need to address to make our marriage work -- my self-centeredness, perfectionism, my tendency to form friendships with women that become emotionally and sexually charged, our need for activites that bring us together, my lack of guy friends here, etc. I did bring up her weight today in our free-wheeling discussion. I've been shy about doing it in the past given the copious tears and resentment it usually inspires, and was hesitant to do it leading up to a potential separation (not wanting her to think that for the rest of her life her marriage failed because she was too fat), but it just seemed as though on the brink of collapse we need to be totally honest. I told her about how it definitely was an obstacle for me in bed.
Questions:
* Has any guy here ever been able to truly accept his mate being obese or greatly overweight after once having a problem with it? If so, what brought about that acceptance?
* Or are there examples of a partner getting down to an ideal weight and it inspiring a more successful marriage?
* Or perhaps the larger issue is my somehow getting over my perfectionism and that self-acceptance spilling over to my relationships with others. How have you gotten over perfectionism?
Answers to any one of these three questions -- as well as your patience with this long post --are appreciated.
poster:ExcellentCamper
thread:619915
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20060220/msgs/619915.html