Posted by jonquiljo on February 13, 2006, at 3:39:25
I've hesitated writing about this - but lately I'm just falling apart. Things are just that bad, and sad. I take care of my wife who has a chonic degenerative spinal condition. She is in chronic pain, terrible pain - we have exhausted pretty much every medical proceedure and modality available at this time in modern medicine. It has been going on for 5-8 years. She is losing hope, and I am devastated. We are only in our early 50's. Life isn't supposed to happen like this, even though I know it does.
Things are further complicated by her mood. She has an anxiety disorder, whcih in combination with extreme pain and disability make for a disastrous combination. She is at the end of her rope, given up hope, and doesn't want to go on any further. Part of me says that I really can understand where she is coming from. Part of me loves her so dearly that the thought of losing her is unimaginable. I do know that she will last perhaps days, not weeks - even though I have fought dearly to keep her going all these years
Over the years we have lost most all of our network of family and friends. Chronic illness does that. You just withdraw. I have withdrawn as well. We have no friends to speak of, and definitely no family - no kids as well. She is devasted. I am devastated. We are the closest of all couples -soulmates -and it will soon come to an end. She doesn't want to go on, and is determined to end her suffering. I've tried for years to cheer her on, try not to give up hope. In the end, I have failed. I know her well, and someday, soon, she will end it all. I really don't see that there is anything I can do - despite my fervent tenacity to hold on and keep trying to find things to hope for.
I feel sad for her life - and the way it is turning out. It is horrible to watch someone so vibrant become disabled by tremendous pain. I am so frustrated having gone to medical practicioners almost as a full time endeavor over the past 5 years - and coming up with nothing. We have even been to Europe for "experimental' surgery.
I just don't know where to turn. I am desperately afraid for her, and, yes, for myself as well. The years have taken their emothional toll on me too.
I don't know what to expect anyone to say to all of this - even if they read this far. It is just so sad that I feel like screaming in despair. Thanks for listening.
Jon
poster:jonquiljo
thread:609114
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20051204/msgs/609114.html