Posted by 10derHeart on August 29, 2005, at 15:51:05
In reply to Re: Are you married, how long, and is it your firs » 10derHeart, posted by Susan47 on August 29, 2005, at 12:31:03
> Pfffft!!! You're not a defective failure so I hope you get over that feeling about your failed marriages, romances, whatever.
I know in my head it's not true. But I find I'm carrying shame around, though it took years to realize that. It's a dead giveaway when I lie about being divorced twice, or change the subject, or whatever. It just doesn't fit the picture of where I wanted to be in life, and you know how very hard it is to work with reality, not fantasy, sometimes. Harder when your *fantasy* is nothing so hard to achieve or out of the ordinary. I just wanted to have a husband who loved me and wanted to spend his life with me, like the majority of my peers have right now. It hurts sometimes, looking at them, and these are people I know well enough to say their marriages are solid, not facades that are rotten underneath or anything. So, I start feeling a bit sorry for myself, and sometimes, the frustration and disappointment of being in mid-life and alone sort of re-triggers feeling ashamed of bad choices. It needs a LOT of work in therapy. I'm getting there, really I am.
Thank you for what you said - it helps.
>>Then there's marriages like my two, one with a sociopath that lasted all of three months, at which time he kicked me out with our three week-old son in the middle of the coldest winter on record, when I was calling Transition House but they couldn't take me because they were full. That's a form of absue, too. Can you imagine locking your wife out of the bedroom? Can you imagine a relationship that SICK?
How awful and scary to go through that with an infant! He was heartless, that one. Yes, I can imagine some of that. My daughter was older, I think about 4 or so, when one day, ex #2 decided to sit in the bathtub (fully clothed with a winter coat on) and not let us in. For hours. To punish me during a fight. My baby had to go, but he didn't care. Had to take her to the neighbors, and it wasn't the first time. So humiliating and frightening for her. Then that day, he wouldn't let us near the kitchen to eat. Said I was a stupid b____ who didn't deserve to eat. So, we left. Walked 1/2 mile to a nearby shelter. I remember R. (daughter) eating a banana I'd managed to sneak for her, and crying while I carried her part of the way. It was snowing :-( He was a true *ss*ole. Ah, memories...
> That was only the first marriage, the second was almost as bad in its own way.
I'm sorry, but I understand a lot of it. Wish neither of us did :-(
> But it sounds like for you, your first marriage was actually fulfilling on some levels and you haven't given up on marriage or on finding a good partner. So you know you can make good choices.
It was. Wonderful family who always loved me and R., long after the divorce. We were just too young and silly to understand hard work and commitment.
Never will I give up on that, not inwardly. I have immense faith in marriage, no bitterness toward men in general (just ex#2 and a couple others who treated me like dirt) But if outwardly...you isolate, have depression, are obviously unavailable and not interested, well, it's hard to date or even make male friends that way. Unconsciously, I protected myself from repeating certain emotional traumas for years and years by withdrawing from many aspects of society. I've just emerged out of that in the past 2 years. Feels like waking from a coma, in some ways.
>>Nineteen is pretty young and you deserve a lot of credit for having your daughter so soon in your own life. You sacrificed a lot in order to do that. I admire you.
Waaay to young for marriage. And at 22, I wasn't the best mom either, very impatient.....but I think, just maybe, good enough in the really important ways. Time will tell, if she doesn't end up disordered due to some of my immature, immoral ways later in her life. So far, so good.
Well, it didn't feel like a sacrifice, but you're right to some extent. It was just what you have to do. This child, this precious gift, was all that mattered, really. I blew off finishing college, blew off a lot of stuff, but regret nothing since it was to spend every minute with her.
I admire you, too, Susan. You've been to hell and back with men, starting with your father, husbands who...weren't, those animals (criminals) who assaulted you, your misguided T., etc. - I remember. Yet you are a loving, caring mother and a fighter for your own happiness and for a rich life, to get rid of the demons. You NEVER give up. You are passionate. You inspire me ((Susan))
poster:10derHeart
thread:547946
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20050814/msgs/548239.html