Posted by Crazy_Charlie on November 2, 2004, at 6:18:16
My boyfriend just went to work, and I'm sitting here with bronchitis and a throat inflammation. I don't have a fever, but I feel trashed, and just going to the bathroom makes me dizzy. My daughter of one and a half year is currently asleep, my boyfriend put her to bed for her daily nap before he left... but I must say I feel quite anxious about her waking up. My bf stayed home longer than usual, took her out to play etc before he went to work, and he won't be away for more than 6-7 hours... but still I keep feeling that his job is more important than both me and his daughter.
At the same time I feel bad about feeling this, because we are in desperate need of the money he is earning at his job, since I am currently studying and we hardly have an income. And since a child is requiring a bit extra, he already have a bit too many days off, so it wouldn't be good if he stayed home another day. But I also know that if he had been this sick, he would expect me to take care of our daughter that day instead of paying attention to my studies...
Now, my studies don't give income here and now, but as soon as I am done with them I can get a job again that is good payed, and we both will have an income. So I keep feeling that it is unfair that my studies are so much less important... in the long run they are... as it is, now it will take me longer to regain strength from my sickness, and thereby longer before I can consentrate about my studies. I have an important exam in less than a month, and I'm not only loosing a lot of time on being sick myself, but also all the time when our child are sick and when my bf is sick. I am also struggling with recurring major depression (ICD-10, F33.-), which makes it more difficult to study. But I try. Still the fact is that I have hardly been able to read, I simply don't have the time.
My daughter is in the kindergarten two days a week, and I am supposed to read those two days, and in the weekends. I do this as often as I can, but because of the new bacteria and virus environment my daughter is roaming in in the kindergarten, we are continuously sick. In addition my bf makes me feel bad if I'd rather want to read for my exams in the weekends instead of using at least one day for family activities... well, I should join... I will never get back this time with my daughter... but still, I keep feeling I will never be able to finish these studies, never able to get a degree, not even after all these years at university.
Is this feelings just total selfishness and spoiledness from me? Is it wrong of me to expect that my bf takes more care of me when I'm sick, and that he values my studies as important as his job?
Don't misunderstand, I have been bringing this up with him, repeatedly. Every time this happen. And he listen to me, and we have good talks, and he is interested in my feelings an dall. He is a very intelligent man that I know care about me and my studies... but I still keep feeling that he sometimes, when it's most important, forget it?
Last time he did something similar I snapped completely and told him that I didn't want to see him ever again, we had a proper talk. I thought he understood me then, and how difficult I feel it is to take care of our precious daughter when I am sick... after all, she is a very active girl, and requires a lot of attention. But now I sit here again, in my comfy chair, feeling like I've been hit of a freight train, and dreading the time she wakes up. I don't have a voice at all, I cough untill I gag, my nose is stuck, my throat is stuck, I have a headache, and in general... I don't really feel well.
Am I just a selfish little prick feeling sorry for myself?
poster:Crazy_Charlie
thread:410473
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20041015/msgs/410473.html