Posted by Racer on September 18, 2004, at 19:07:58
That's always a sticky subject for me, since I'm the changeling in a family of Human Steamrollers. I can set boundaries with them, but the pressure always increases in response, and many times they simply do not accept "no" as an answer. Now, sometimes I can manage to hold the lines, but often they just break through -- leaving me feeling pretty well destroyed as often as not.
As far as my family goes, I think that they have to remain a practice ground for me. They'll never change, so I can just practice setting the walls and building them up again after they've been torn down -- over and over again. (You'd think they'd get bored, wouldn't you?)
The problem is that I'm well trained in accepting that lack of respect, so I find myself recreating this pattern with others. Nowadays, I can often meet the first onslaught with a quiet setting of boundaries, but if that doesn't work, my fortress walls collapse again. It's partly that whole thing of fear -- "give in now, and it will be less painful in the end." But it's also not wanting to hurt someone else, wanting to "be nice", not wanting to "get in trouble", etc.
One area where this has come up is with people who come into my life and seem to want to smother me. People who will try to solve all my problems -- usually by applying pressure to me to do something that might work for them, but doesn't fit me; or people who are lonely and just want to glom on to *anyone* and find me first; or people who see me as so feeble that they can manipulate me into any form they choose. And then, of course, there are the Politically/Psychologically Correct folks who still don't see why anyone should have any privacy -- "Tell me why you aren't smiling today? You must have some problem that you *must* tell me about?" (Or, in my case, it's often questions about my weight -- "you're so thin, what's wrong with you?")
So, who here has any input?
(NB: yes, this is a real issue for me, but it's also a way of trying to get an honest to gonest post up here! What a good idea this board is. Thank you Dr Bob.)
poster:Racer
thread:392409
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20040917/msgs/392409.html