Posted by alexandra_k on October 25, 2013, at 17:11:15
last session was better...
i think because i was appreciative of her writing the letter (it was a very good letter, i decided, after some thought about it). and because i was so very (very very very very) happy about getting the accommodation and telling her that i had taken a look and it was PERFECT.
perhaps partly because she got to see that it isn't the case that i whinge incessantly... that this very particular thing was really very centrally important and it isn't that i've moved onto whinging about something else already... probably it was mostly that i was appreciative of her writing the letter and that it did indeed seem that her having written it contributed importantly to the positive outcome.
partly i think that the act of writing the letter clarified things for her a bit. i felt like she listened to me much more this session. perhaps it helped, too, that i acknowledged that i did spend a lot of time complaining that i didn't feel heard... but that finally with this accommodation thing i feel like the universe is listening to me for the first time since my returning to this country. but that i did appreciate the difference between being heard, being agreed with, and getting my way... well... insofar as anybody can grasp that one...
i signed a consent form to fetch up my old file notes. i didn't realize that the nz health system really isn't one system. while my online notes from this region can be shared with the city one i'm moving to this isn't the case between my old region and these two. print notes only need be kept for 7 years so most of my file is probably trashed now. might not be able to get back that info about early admission...
this feels liberating.
i really was in a good mood so was happy for her to lead the session however she wanted. she... is a bit slower than me in her thinking. slower than i'm used to. i think she really isn't sure how to get relevant stuff out of me with the history. i think there is some difficulty there. but i feel kindly about it at present. I think... i've realized that the uni over this side (that used to be a tech) offers psychology degrees. so as not to compete with the uni in the city they offer different sorts of psychology degrees... more humanistic. dare i say it: psychodynamic. she signed the letter 'psychologist'. i'm now suspecting that she is a psychology graduate - but not a clinical psychology graduate. if that is the case then she actually is not allowed to call herself a 'psychologist' (by law). i'm pretty sure about that... but... whatever... she did say that i might be able to get ongoing psychodynamic therapy from the training people over this side of the bridge, though... i was gentle but firm that i didn't want a bar of that uni anymore... that i'd been burned... she seemed a bit sad...
i mentioned about psychoanalysis perhaps being a field by schizoids for schizoids and she seemed to find it somewhat amusing. i said about the lack of eye contact... that i'm talking about very personal intimate stuff so partly i feel i need to keep something back. but also that i'm really trying to focus on what is going on for me. about how you can close your eyes in analysis. i did end up saying 'if you need an agenda...' and said something about free association and... well... i think she finally got it. in terms of my not needing an agenda. in terms of... the things i say... just being respectfully heard is all i'm going for with any of it. she actually said things which indicated understanding...
so anyway. what am i saying? things seem good between us. since it is time limited now i'm hoping that we can just keep seeing each other until i move... she can't really do much in the way of easing the transition... actually that isn't true. she pointed out that they can access my online file notes. so she can put stuff there. she said we can look through my history notes together when they arrive, too. so there is that. i guess... i am curious about the autistic spectrum thing... how much it really does fit. i don't know. she's away next week. maybe that helps me feel better disposed :)
in other news... if people hear i'm autistic spectrum the first thing they do is look searchingly into my eyes. which is of course odd and awkward. it makes me feel odd and awkward. how is one supposed to 'normally' or 'naturally' respond to such an unnatural gesture? not look or stare i suppose. self confirming... sigh. similarly... waiting in the waiting room... a few people (crisis workers, nurses, whomever) come out and start talking about the window fairly close to me. they are sort of crowding me - but talking and pointing at the window. so i tolerate but do not like. they are in my personal space. i think anybody would think they are in my personal space. then they manage to start talking about other things not related to the window and sort of start moving into something like a circular arrangement around me. one of the dudes is crowding me so his crotch is literally less than 3/4 of a meter from my face and when i stood up to move away i physically brushed him even though i dodged myself side-ways to try and fit through a gap. objectively overcrowded. maybe they were testing where my threshold was / what i would do when crowded. i did bare my teeth at them first...
poster:alexandra_k
thread:1053012
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20130930/msgs/1053012.html