Posted by alexandra_k on November 11, 2013, at 18:17:45
In reply to Re: dreaming... » alexandra_k, posted by Partlycloudy on November 11, 2013, at 15:41:14
Glad to hear your kitchen renovation is progressing. I have been thinking about an electric frypan... Or even an electric stove top element... I'm not sure I have the room here to use it safely... The place really doesn't feel cramped - but slotting things into it in order to keep it feeling that way is a bit of a mission. There really isn't much in the way of storage space or room to wiggle more generally. There is a kitchen on the ground floor... And I have a frypan / pot as part of my kitchen pack... I guess I could use that...
Trying to figure whether there is a setting such that the icebox keeps goods frozen - but my vegetables do not freeze. I suspect there is not.
I'm getting a trauma type freeze response. Just now seeing it for what it is. Shrinking. I'm scared to make regular person noises because regular person noises sent people running towards me before. So I learned to slink around as quietly as possible hoping that nobody would notice my existence and come hurt / annoy me. I jump every time I turn on a tap and it makes noise. I wonder how long it will take me to settle down...
I'm starting to make some sense of why...
I am a writer. That is basically what I'm up to / what I do. I write. I read what other people write... Then I think about it... Then I write something. Based on others, but creative. Some back and forth round and round process of that. And I do it... Mostly. I'm doing it when I'm washing my dishes. I'm doing it when I'm walking to where I've got to go. I'm doing it when I'm having a shower. I feel... I often feel... Like I'm hollow or something. Not in a bad way. I'm just... Open somehow. Like a conduit or something. For what it is that I produce. My work, I mean. That is a product of... My environment. Channeled through me somehow... Typed by my hand. And mostly what I do with my day... Is I potter around. And all kinds of things just sort of occur to me. And get done. Like buying toilet paper. Like sorting out that confusing paragraph over there.
When things are good... Things flow. And I'm... Happy. No... I'm... Content. I'm doing what I do. Need / want. Whatever. I just am.
It helps a lot when the environment is... Pretty. And... And it mostly is now. There is a lot of pretty. Like there was before, last summer. Pretty and peaceful somehow. Because people... Lots of them, yes. But... Indifferent. Detached / removed somehow. Not demanding of my attention.
And... So long as things are mostly working. Mostly flowing. It is... Well... Personally... I think it is the very best life that I could possibly dream of or ever imagine for myself. It is the only thing I want, really.
But then some people did ask of me before... What is this building and that and the next... And that conversation was pleasant enough...
And I simply can't function when other people can't be quiet. When they aren't participating in a similar kind of thinking process for themself. When they walk around with their constant noises - their singing or whistling or humming or portable music. The way they stomp and click their fingers and otherwise demand 'stop whatever you are doing with your mind and pay attention to me! pay attention to me! pay attention to me!' all the f*ck*ng time. I can't function anywhere near such people.
The Maaori / Pacific Islander thing... The cultural clash... It is a cultural clash indeed. It never really occurred to me before... People within those communities... Older people mostly... But people within those communities... Some of them... What they really / mostly want... Is for things to be how things were. Before the white people came. The white people. Bringing their 'quiet please' and 'manners say please and thank you' and 'children should be seen and not heard' and 'what a polite and well mannered little girl' and their classical music and orchestras and their paintings and math and science and ... Well... Sometimes, even, yes... Their technologies... Their medicine. They find peace in that timelessness. The pacific islands... Are not harsh environments. They are temperate. Food is plentiful. It isn't hard work to subsistence live in a small community. Doesn't take much... In the way of organization... At all.
This city is very pretty. Too pretty, in a way. People are here for the wrong reasons. Student accommodation is so f*ck*ng hard to get into because student accommodation is so f*ck*ng amazing. A quiet, peaceful, pretty place in the city. Who wouldn't want that? There isn't a method for sorting... For giving it to those who are most deserving. Most deserving 'somehow'. In a way yet to be specified. That is the problem, I guess. Because... Well... Because some people have never even been given a chance. It gives them a chance. It levels the playing field as much as it can be leveled at a certain point / at that point.
I am extremely grateful that they are considering me to have earned it already (with my having demonstrated I proritize what I'm here for: study).
I... Remember hearing people say that Canberra was such a great place to work because... There wasn't much of anything else to do. I see that... There is some truth to that. I think that also, what people need to consider is that those who go there to study there... Well... They are there for the right reasons. I mean... People go to Sydney and Melbourne etc etc etc to study because they want to go to Sydney and Melbourne etc. The only reason people go to Canberra to study is... To study. Because it is the best place to study. So the people who are there... Are the... Well... The best sort of people. In some sense of best. They are there for the right reasons.
Here... Is a mixed bag. But pretty pretty pretty. Art galleries and museums etc etc etc. What a beautiful... What an inspiring environment. And there are people who are here for the right reasons. And... Enough of them to detect other people who are here for the right reasons. And...
I'm glad that there are lessons that I have learned... And that I will not waste this. Maybe... Maybe I'll get to hang onto this properly this time. I hope. I hope I've learned.
I just can't believe how happy I am. How... Well, how, it isn't never ending. It isn't that I want / need the world... I mean... I have a tiny f*ck*ng room, really. No balcony. I don't have a separate bedroom. I can't turn around in the shower space without hitting myself on something... But I am so f*ck*ng happy. It is... Perfect. Really.
In some sense... It isn't much. It is next to nothing. But in another sense... I think of people living 14 people in a 2 bedroom house in Manakau City... Of people living in f*ck*ng cardboard boxes and... Well... I really do have / need the world...
I...
Remember this Wittgenstein quote:
student: 'for all the ills of modern day society, i'd much rather live as we do than as the caveman did'
wittgenstein: 'yes, of course you would. but would the caveman?'
poster:alexandra_k
thread:1053012
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20130930/msgs/1054162.html