Posted by alexandra_k on August 16, 2013, at 1:44:27
In reply to Re: new p-doc, posted by alexandra_k on August 12, 2013, at 22:11:40
i saw a slogan on the back of a truck today:
'you don't build a reputation on what you are going to do'
it was for printsprint.
getting things done. oh yes, indeed.
maybe it is not about 'what is wrong with me'. maybe it is about 'why aren't i perfect?' in the sense of 'why aren't i the best me i can be?'
life is like a game of cards. you don't choose the cards you are dealt: but there are objective facts about better or worse ways of playing the cards you have got.
so... what holds me back from playing the cards i've got perfectly? and what can i do to change those things?
if i could choose for therapy to be about anything at all... i would choose for it to be about that.
i do have a lot of dread about my writing. sometimes just opening the document. or reading what i've written. most certainly at the thought of sending it to whoever the work is supposed to be for.
apparently a large part of that is that i only get to see the stuff AFTER several rounds of editors have got to it. i don't see it on its first draft. so i think that i have to get it all publishable by myself. but nobody does that all by themself. nobody.
i did get something published. a couple years back. i couldn't bear to read it for the longest time... then i tried... and i couldn't even get through the abstract. it sounded garbled. incomprehansible. like it wasn't even in English. i wondered... if the editors were taking the piss... then a couple reviews... seeing what people thought. what they really thought. it wasn't good. but it wasn't devistating. it was... an invitation for me to do better.
and what is better than that?
(really)
but it concerns me that i couldn't read it for the longest time... without... something psychotic happening.
i read the first third of it just the other day. and it seemed better. alien... but not awful. not terrible. and of course, the editors wouldn't have let that happen.
this stuff...
i need to sort this stuff out...
otherwise... well... how the hell am i going to handle getting this done?
perhaps... the same as everyone else. do what i'm told to do (what my advisor tells me to do) and aside from that... stand back from it. just do what i need to do to get it done.
ugh.
poster:alexandra_k
thread:1048672
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20130807/msgs/1049130.html