Posted by alexandra_k on August 9, 2013, at 20:15:30
I...
Am afraid.
I remember reading about how people with a certain condition often deteriorate on admission. Like that is a bad thing. Like you shouldn't admit them, because then you will make them worse.
But then there is this idea that is kind of reactionary to the above line. The idea that people will collapse a little when they are placed in an environment where it is safe for them to collapse. Then... Over time they collect themselves together again (perhaps with a little help) but that refuge from the world was useful. Therapeutic.
There always has been a bit of a fine line for me. Mostly I hang back... Avoid intimacy. Can't / won't do eye contact. Whatever... If people push me too hard to be in the present with them... Then I disintegrate. And then there is nothing they can do. E.g., there aren't any hospital beds. Or they can't see me more frequently. Or, um, actually, they always had planned on immigrating in 6 weeks, or whatever.
So...
She was primed for me last time. The whole interaction... I see now... Fairly structured. Short. Her allowing me to retain certain aspects of control... And still I was raw.
And now a follow up for next week. Whatever that means... She said on the form 'a period of acute treatment'. And the crisis people phone every couple days. To check I'm okay. I think they followed me on the bus... But maybe I'm paranoid. I must be, because I can't see how they figured that logistically, but if there is a predictable cue for switching it is crossing the harbor bridge...
I...
Don't know.
I don't know. Except... It is wise for me not to be vulnerable. Oh yes, indeed. Hard for me not to be without violently kicking people away. Goddammit.
I can't write my thesis in hospital.
?
poster:alexandra_k
thread:1048672
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20130807/msgs/1048672.html