Posted by Annabelle Smith on April 24, 2011, at 14:41:26
In reply to Trapped, posted by Annabelle Smith on April 24, 2011, at 14:09:04
Before anyone responds to this, let me try to respond to it myself. My therapist tells me that I need to try to start hearing myself as the therapist in my head, offering a voice of self-soothing and care.
So let me try. I feel awful right now, but that is OK. I can just accept that for some reason I do not know, I feel awful. I will just sit with these feelings and know that this might be as bad as it gets. Like all feelings, these too will come and go. They won't be here forever.
Some decisions have been made. As much as I want to retract and go back on them, I can't. The house is a done deal for a year, as is the church. It is probably best to go ahead and start the program here, knowing that no decision is permanent. If it is awful and if I make good progress with my therapist during the next year, then I will transfer, even if that means I have more loans.
Boston will still be there. I have to go with what I don't think will still be here in just this way-- and that is the current therapeutic relationship. I know it is possible to move on and start over, but that will be so hard for me. The idea of doing so makes me feel sick-- so then, I stay here a while.
It is a lie that I am trapped in TN forever. I am free to leave whenever. This program is good too, and I can leave when I finish, if not before.
Suicide is not the answer for me. There is so much life to be lived and people to live it with. I am free. If it is possible to face death, then any circumstance of life should be possible to face too. The feeling of being trapped is not the reality.
I don't know about God, but I can only think that there are many different ways of knowing God/the Ultimate and loving God/the Ultimate. I have probably sensed that in the many different religions/traditions, and that is why I can't choose. Maybe I should just go with one or two for a while, knowing that the other paths are open.
It doesn't feel OK right now, but all I can do is accept that and know that it is OK to not be OK. I don't have to act on these feelings.
I will be OK. I need to calm down and breathe.
poster:Annabelle Smith
thread:983652
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20110324/msgs/983654.html