Posted by Annabelle Smith on April 24, 2011, at 14:09:04
I have a problem with choices and commitment.
Right now, I feel so trapped.Trapped in the town in Tennessee where the program is to which I committed myself for 3 years. I was born in Tennessee and have lived here all my life. That is why I felt the necessity to go to Boston. There is a strange, inner unrest telling me I must go. I have to go. I must go.
I feel trapped in an intentional living community that I committed myself toI was so afraid of not having a place to live over the summer and next year so when this opened up, I rushed into it. It was close to my school, the price was OK, and I was afraid to live alone. I signed on the house yesterday with two more people and there is no way out for the year. The living community requires that I actively participate in a Methodist Church to which it is connected. I dont want to do that. I need room to explore faithI dont even know which religion to be a part of, and I certainly dont know which Christian denomination. The one meaningful Christian Church I was ever a part of was the Anglican/Episcopal Church for a whileand that only because of the ritual and tradition and use of our bodies during the service. When I dont believe, my body can do the motions, and some kind of grace arrives.
Today is Easter. But I feel so hopeless. It is supposed to be the day that we celebrate life triumphing over death, but I cant believe that is true. I dont believe that Jesus rose from the graveliterally or metaphorically. Sometimes I talk myself into it, but I really dont believe it.
I feel so trapped. Today, I am supposed to be writing and writing. I have 20 + pages to write before Thursday. But I cant.
If I need to get away so badly, I thought that perhaps I could just live here one year and then ask the school in Boston if I could defer my admission. The only problem with that is my therapy. I dont know if one year is long enough. Everything that I have read on BPD says that one year makes good progress, but often it takes more time. I feel enslaved herenot free. I wonder if staying only one more year would be the worst for me. Sometimes I feel like my therapist here is the path to my true healing. But I think that I am thinking too linearly and that this is not really the case.
I feel like I am losing myself. Like everything is over the edge of dissolutionready to break forth into fragments.
My therapist keeps telling me that no decision is permanent. Maybe I could enter the program here for one year and try to work with my therapist during this time. The thing is that I need to know that I have an open-ended amount of time with himotherwise, I freak out inside and all I can see is the deadline. If after this year, I am feeling better, maybe I could see about transferring to the other program. I would lose my funding and it would not look good to the people here, but I dont know what else to do.
I feel like I am losing myself. This is not depression. Nor is it anxiety. I dont know what it is, but whatever it is, it makes me feel like I am dying, and nobody else can see it. Its like being crazy.
Lost
Bored
Fragmented
Empty
Over the edge of total dissolution
ConfusedAnd wondering why I cant just shake out of this and choose to be well, because in the end, I dont think that anything is even wrong with me. This is all in my head. But I am trapped with it.
My therapist says that no decision is permanent, but I passed by something that I think I will never have again. I am afraid of being stuck in Tennessee forever, lost forever, trapped forever. And there is no hope.
The suicidal thoughts come and go. Today they were so strong. To take the ambien with alcohol and all of my Celexa and Aspirin. I fight these thoughts, and sometimes think that the strongest fight against them is to run. To run the f*ck away. I should go to Boston. I still have time. But I would be stuck here for one year, and theres the despair of leaving my therapist and that not being enough time. Of wasting that year and staying here with no purpose. I feel so hopeless.
poster:Annabelle Smith
thread:983652
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20110324/msgs/983652.html