Posted by Annabelle Smith on February 8, 2011, at 10:08:21
The perpetual problem is that I don't know which way to be. This ammounts to a never-ceasing fakery.
I just ran into an older individual whom I deeply admire and should feel comfortable with, yet the entire time I spoke to him, I felt out of control and fake. I had the sense of being unable to control the words that came out of my mouth-- they just came out fast and all-together. I know that I said most of what I did while smiling, but it was a nervous, anxious, fake smile, hiding a desperate abyss inside that feels as if it will erupt at any moment. This problem of being fake, unreal, a mirror, without any substance-- this is what nearly every interaction is like. Every now and then, there will be an interaction that seems genuine, but this just makes the usual feelings of fake-ness all the more obvious and unbearable.
poster:Annabelle Smith
thread:978909
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20110206/msgs/978909.html