Posted by 10derheart on January 5, 2011, at 18:07:41
In reply to Re: ((((((10derheart))))))))) » 10derheart, posted by floatingbridge on January 5, 2011, at 12:10:28
....just by acknowledging my existence and validating these horrible feelings of anger and wanting to be SO nasty to him (really, no one knows the half of that piece, not even my current T. b/c I honestly don't think she could stand to hear the foul names i want to call him).
I owe several of you individual responses. I never mean to skip over anyone, yet I know I have. I just can't focus that well quite now. Need a couple more days. Please. please bear with me and eventually I will respond to everyone.
Today I keep crying and scheming some way to get his attention. It's actually a situation in flux in a way right now...which I can't explain yet but will. It has to do with my current T. discussing this odd situation with her supervisor (a highly experienced 32+-year PhD) with regard to her wish to call my ex-T and ask what he was thinking with this last, bizarre "cut-10der-off" email in light of what went on before. Sure, she will, can and does continue to work with these awful feeling s with me in whatever way I want, but both of us (and her supervisor cautiously agrees, too...although he wants her to be careful and really talk possible worse consequences with me before she chooses to call him...) can see she is handicapped severely in trying to help me reframe, or accept or whatever, as the email 2 weeks back was so cryptic she does not understand *what* she is helping me understand.
It is quite a dilemma for her and I give her credit for hanging in there. I asked her last session why she doesn't just push me toward accepting therapy with him is over and as is usual after t**rm**at*** (not what I expected in this case or what ex-T told me for years he believed...) I won't be communicating with him any more....wouldn't that he healthier for me? She looked at me with a kind of sad amusement and said, "I could try to do that, I suppose. Would it be helpful?" I said, "I doubt it. I would feel angry and like you were dismissing this HUGE relationship in my life and choosing your own agenda as wiser for me than what I felt I needed to talk about more." She said, "Exactly. That's why I don't even really consider that. I am willing to keep dealing with this your way, not mine."
She is good, but it's weird because I have (even after 8-9 months) not ever felt except once for about 30 seconds - any of that magical, inexplicable thing that happens for me when psychodynamic therapy really 'clicks' and is forming a real bond....and that feels a little sad. BUT, in my case, it also feel safer and better because I surely don't want to become incredibly attached and bonded to therapist #3 in eight years, and also, my "endings" (yeah, there were two) with *my* T. are is still so fresh, raw and unsettled (baffling) I can't imagine starting to care about her on that deep, deep level that I find eventually manifests as therapy-love. No way.
I like her and she handles this mess well, considering, and she seems compassionate enough and on my side. That is good enough for now.
This is all so ridiculous. I just wanted to stay in touch in a relaxed and healthy manner for us both. Right now, no one trusts me enough to give a chance for that to happen. He removed my chance before I could even show him I have grown, changed and eased off my intense need for all the email. That is SO frustrating and feels like lack of trust and cold, uncaring disposal like garbage. He is too kind of a man to *intend* to make me feel so badly, he is just torn and misguided, IMO. But either way, I can't DO anything about it right now and it makes me want to scream and break things.
When a therapist (ex-T...whatever) *chooses* to NOT communicate, when that is the stock and trade of the entire relationship and of their profession, and frankly, of people continuing to relate and be connected to each other in any way.well, it's insane to me. I don't do walking away in silence with no explanation as a "solution" to difficult relationships and I thought he never, ever did/would, either.
I was wrong. Apparently.
MDD (presently in complete remission); ADD-Inattentive type; mild anxiety (not fomally dx'd)
Meds: Strattera 80 mg q day
poster:10derheart
thread:974055
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20101228/msgs/975963.html