Posted by Annabelle Smith on December 18, 2010, at 22:44:50
In reply to Re: words and labels, posted by Annabelle Smith on December 18, 2010, at 22:31:32
One more thing I will add about being seen.
I have been thinking about this as I have been home and around my community and having memories stirred up-- it sounds really whiny to say but I feel like I am constantly dismissed by others. All of my feelings are dismissed. And it happens in one of two ways.
First, like this summer, people that I go to for help tell me that I am just depressed or anxious and that I need to take a pill. I had a general practitioner doctor insist this summer that Lexapro was my answer. This constantly makes me feel like I am not heard and they are pinning me into their categories. It is their way to shut me up and get rid of me. Or to fix me in a quick way that is really no fix at all. If this is BPD, as I think and my therapist has more or less agreed, then NO pills are going to "fix" it. This has pissed me off so much. And makes me feel so alone and sad.
Secondly, I feel patronized. People see all of this as teenage angst and as a younger female (two strikes against you ever being seriously when you live in a world ruled by older males) who is just going through a phase of becoming an adult. To my feelings of ache and this eternal emptiness inside and the hell of chaos and confusion and unreality, they act like it is a phase that I am just going through. Teenage angst they might say. But that is absolutely not true. I have felt different, like an outsider and wrong since I was in middle school. All of these problems have reached a culmination now. But people don't believe me. I am not even a teenager-- in fact, I am well nigh supposedly entering into the professional realm. People act like they are so wise, and from their position of all-knowing wisdom, they can tell me that if I have plenty of time. The truth is, I don't think most of them have ever felt what I feel every day. They have no idea.
I feel like two selves-- one true and hidden and dying and one that I wear as a mask for everyone. I am dying as I am being torn in two. It is a hellish chaos. I feel like the only was to get past this is to start over somehow-- to do something that changes everything, that says, NO, the way you think I am is not how I am. I don't know how I am, but what I have been is a f--king like.
poster:Annabelle Smith
thread:973748
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20101115/msgs/973954.html