Posted by Verloren on July 1, 2010, at 12:56:28
As soon as I said it I regretted it (though only slightly).
I told Ada I was upset about her saying we'd have to be careful we stayed within boundaries for a reparenting activity I suggested.
I was upset because I feel like I understand "boundaries" and I'm not attempting to cross them, I'm attempting to get better. I don't suggest or do things to simply appease my need for her, I do them because I know I need to work hard at getting better.
So I told her it upset me and it makes me not want to tell her things if she'll throw restrictions at me like I don't know better. She said she has to say it, and that's when I blurted out "you're harmful". Then I quickly changed the subject by handing her a poem I wrote.
She just said "I'm harmful?" and looked a bit hurt, then took the poem and we talked about that.
I told her I was upset that she felt she had to remind me about our boundaries. I am constantly mentally reminding myself about our boundaries. Every time I think about her and what she can and definitely can't be for me, I am intensely reminded about our boundaries. And that alone hurts. I know what can and can't be. I don't like to have it thrown at me for things I suggest.
I'm a bit flighty, I will come up with many random ideas and need to be reigned it from time to time.
But! I don't think I deliberately do things just because. My reasons for wanting and needing reparenting are valid.
I feel like a child with a food allergy asking about a food I can't have. Like I don't know it's not in my best interest to not have it. And like she feels that every time she'd have to say "now you know we'll have to be careful what goes on that sandwich." When I didn't want to eat it at all, I just wanted to draw it as art.
I know I'm ranting here and you're reading this thinking, "oh Verloren, you should know Ada just said this to protect you. She has to say it, even over and over again so you don't get "lost" in make-believe land with her."
Am I right?
GAAH!!!
-Verloren
poster:Verloren
thread:952821
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20100529/msgs/952821.html