Posted by Verloren on March 1, 2010, at 13:49:54
So I've been sort of dealing with this messy situation with my ex T. And I decided I wanted out of therapy altogether, but she and my pdoc have recommended I stay.
Some details:
I was terminated by this T for 2 reasons. One was because she classified me as a binge-drinker. She then decided that I resolved the 2 issues in an acceptable enough manner so that she can start treating me again.
I really was afraid of being terminated by her and had expressed that fear. When she did term me, I was coming out of a really low point and I felt like it was the cruelest thing one person could ever do to another. Never-mind that she is supposed to be therapeutic and my "safe" place.
Now that I am working with her again I keep going back to the binge-drinking substance abuse that she labeled me with. I feel like I know myself pretty well. And I know that I was not binge drinking or getting drunk. My pdoc had the nerve to say that I was getting "blitzed". I don't even know what that means, but I'm guessing it means - very drunk. I was drinking 1 glass of sparkling wine at night to help relax and sleep. Most nights I didn't finish the glass before drifting off.
The 5 sleep meds that I tried never worked for me and I was so very sleep deprived, the wine was the only thing that seemed to "work" at getting me to sleep.
I told my T all this. Over the span of several weeks we discussed my sleep, the wine, etc. She NEVER ONCE mentioned that I might be struggling with substance abuse, or that SHE does NOT treat people with sa. She just let me go on and on about my lifestyle habits. And on a few occasions I would exaggerate how much I drank. She would always look so concerned, that I misinterpreted it as 'she cares for me and wants me to be okay'. She did say a few times that I should be careful not to get dependent on alcohol for sleeping because it could have the reverse effect.
When she listed binge-drinking as one of the reasons, I was torn and distraught and very, very angry. She said people don't exaggerate how much the DO drink; it's the other way around.
And now trying to work through this whole mess, I feel like she doesn't know me. Or she doesn't understand the depths of my mental illness. Even I don't understand all the layers. I started searching for reasons that I would exaggerate my behaviors and I came across Histrionic Personality Disorder. I think I have some signs of that disorder. Specifically the "attention-seeking" and "persistent manipulative behaviour to achieve their own needs".
But then again, if I read through most mental health disorders, I probably have varying signs of them all. How do I know what exactly is wrong with me? And if this T didn't catch it, how would other Ts know? They are supposed to be the experts. Shouldn't she have thought about HPD as a possibility? And that my drinking and talking about it in therapy was a way that I attention-seek?
I think I started to become addicted to therapy and that made me spiral downward more. Instead of getting better, I got worse. Perhaps I wanted more and more of her attention. But then when she terminated me and I realized I would get no more attention, then I started getting better.
Now I have no idea what is wrong with me truly, as I can apparently even hide these behaviors from myself.
Sorry this was so long, I haven't posted in a while and I guess it just all came pouring out.
-Verloren
poster:Verloren
thread:938273
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20100128/msgs/938273.html