Posted by Verloren on January 24, 2010, at 21:10:42
In reply to Re: I used to love my T, now I don't..., posted by Mystickangaroo on January 24, 2010, at 16:42:45
Thanks for the tough love warning
As for work, my job provides my benefits, ie. insurance, which pays for things like therapy, iops, and dental cleanings.
I am out of fmla time, which means my job can (and my boss HATES me, so that's a very likely can) fire me. Once fired, I will have no benefits. No more teeth cleanings. No more iops. And no more therapy.
Even the iop will kick me out once I can't pay their fees and I don't want to rack up med bills.But I'm getting ahead of myself and away from the point. The point is, I need to go back and keep a job that pays for all this. The iop has evening hours that I can do after work. But I need to not give my evil boss the opportunity to fire me. And I would lose that lawsuit, I've worked with our lawyers; they are cutthroat.
(Possible TRIGGER in next section)
Now about that iop. Yeah, some think I'm just being stubborn, but I'm not. I went which was more than I ever wanted to. I've lasted almost 2 weeks, longer than they said I should at least try it.
(Begin TRIGGER)
When I am there and I hear the other women talking I literally want to take a sharp object, jab them then jab myself to end all our pain. I fantasize about it CONSTANTLY while there. I picture it all in great detail. I don't necessarily want to but I can't stop thinking about it and I'm not sure what causes such extreme urges.
In my diary they have us maintain, my worst days are the days I go there. I understand iop is meant to help, but if my SI and self harm urges are flying through the roof, then it's not the program for me. Yes, I did tell them that I feel this way and they just smile and say thanks for coming back. They literally thank a homicidal thought obsessed, disturbed person for coming back.
I want to take my knitting supplies in with me the next time and with those metal needles...well...(end TRIGGER)
As for the "team" at iop, I like them just fine. It's the other people in group that I can't deal with. And it is very possible that I would run into a group member in one of my social interactions. You never know what the person working in the pod next to you is going through. One of those people could be the wife of my future boss. (yes, my name is THAT unique. Yes, I would be easily identifiable)Plus I do belong to several women's groups. (now I'm just sounding paranoid, I know it)It's hard being honest with myself because my feelings always conflict with my rational brain. I hope I can get through this safely. I know that babblers will be here to help.
Thanks, no hurt feelings (well maybe one, one hurt feeling. The other feelings are fine.)
-Verloren
poster:Verloren
thread:934868
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20091212/msgs/934916.html