Posted by onceupon on October 2, 2009, at 4:22:14
In reply to Re: an emotional trifecta - some triggers - long! » onceupon, posted by Dinah on October 1, 2009, at 17:56:36
Thanks for your thoughts on the meds. I'll have to find my way over to the meds board to talk about it more.
I ended up bringing up my wish to be special in an email (in the middle of a few other things). I wrote it late at night, when I was feeling less defended, and probably kind of loopy. I do a lot of writing at late hours :) I essentially stated my wish and added that, though I wish for it, I feel really strongly that I'm not at all special.
My therapist wrote me back, and pulled out my belief about not being special. She said she found it curious. I wrote back some punchy drivel about feeling like a curiosity over my lunch hour, but didn't really have time to say much. I try to keep my emailing with her to a minimum, and close most emails with some mention that I'll see her next week, I think with the hope that she won't feel obligated to write me back. She has been very encouraging about the email, though, which *is* one thing I treasure about her. Getting past my inner critic that asks why the hell she would want *more* contact from me is another story.So, coming back from that tangent, she responded again with a more specific question about what I've observed in our interactions that would lead me to the belief that I'm not special to her. It's a valid question, clearly. I want to go back to your posts about being a Jessica; I remember them, kind of, and think they do a nice job of describing the quality of specialness I'm looking for. I believe on one level that I'm special to her, in the sense that she is compassionate enough to find something special about each of her clients. But of course I'm wanting something more, or at least something different, from that.
Darn growth, indeed :) My therapist does point out that I seem to keep taking risks with her, in terms of opening myself up to vulnerability, and therefore connection. I think I struggle because I sometimes see it, or want to see it, as akin to tearing off a bandaid. I just want to get it over with. I try to tell myself, over and over again that it's a process, this learning how to be vulnerable and open and connected. Sometimes it helps. Others not so much.
I found what you wrote really helpful, especially this:
"For me that spot of longing was so mixed with shame before I discussed it with him. But now it's like the shame has been removed, and while the longing still remains, it doesn't feel the same at all."
I keep trying to remind myself that perhaps if I approach it enough I can some day move through the shame.
Thanks, Dinah
poster:onceupon
thread:919225
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090907/msgs/919378.html