Posted by onceupon on October 1, 2009, at 1:00:52
Jealousy, longing, fear.
So tonight I finally (oh, 2 1/2 years in) asked my therapist how many clients she sees a week. The answer was bigger than I was hoping for (i.e., more than one). What prompted this? The usual - wanting to be special, wanting to know where I stand, and cetera. Of course, questions in my mind about all of her other clients started sprouting in my mind the second she told me the answer.
And herein lies the divide. My rational self knows, well duh, of course she sees clients other than me. I've even seen them on occasion in the waiting area. The other ones. But my emotional self wants to put my fingers in my ears and shout, "La, la, la, la, la, I can't hear you!" Even though I asked her in the first place. Sheesh.
I've read enough other people on babble to know that the jealousy that crops up for me is not out of the ordinary. And yet, it's so freaking hard to be confronted with the reality of it all. (There was a yet another part of me doing mental gymnastics to figure out what her number means in terms of salary!)
I don't have any kind of grand epiphany in this post. Heck, I'd settle for a central point. The longing (of the maternal variety) that I have toward my therapist is just kind of a constant in my life now. But damn, I wish it weren't. I still wish it weren't. There are days when I'm okay with it. I had a lovely experience with my therapist last week (the details of which I'm reluctant to post for the sake of paranoia - what if she's reading this?! As if...). Anyways, it was a bright point of loveliness in the middle of what has felt like angsty, angst-ridden angst vis-a-vis our relationship.
And the fear, well, my other constant companion is fear that she finds me just plain foolish. Like she can't wait to get home after we meet to laugh with her husband about her foolish client who does foolish things, foolishly. (Sorry about the silly language - am feeling a little punchy at the moment.) I have not yet admitted to her my desire to feel special. Or at least I don't think I have. There have been a couple of topics I've brought up with much trepidation, and she's been all, "You told me that a long time ago." We've talked *a lot* about our relationship - can't seem to escape it - but I've been reluctant to raise that particular topic.
The fear is also, I now realize, that she has maybe helped me to the extent that she can. Yipes. It's freaky to say that out loud. I can anticipate a lot of her responses, though not all of them. I'm not a mind reader, yet. I'm not sure how well equipped (training wise) she is to deal with this transference-based whatever that I feel like I've been floundering in forever. She hasn't done anything *wrong* at all. And in fact has done a lot of things right. I don't know how long she sees her clients on average (guess that's my next question), but I get the vibe that I've been there longer than most. There seems to be a flatness to our sessions, often. Though to be fair, I'm not sure if that's because I still feel extremely anxious, often, when talking with her.
The trigger is this - I've swung in and out of depression for what feels like forever. I recently just weaned myself off of the antidepressant I'd been taking, in part because I ran out, and in part to see if I could. I'm starting to get the feeling that I can't. But I'm feeling too damned stubborn to start it back up again, especially so soon after stopping (it's been maybe a month). But the images of death are starting to creep back in around the edges. The idea of rest (through death) is getting more and more appealing. And I *know* that's depression talking. And at the same time, it just feels like good old me. The same me that has thought about suicide off and on since I was 12. Good lord, that makes it 20 years. I'm hurting. Ouch. I told my therapist (finally) that I've been struggling, though I always manage to take the edge off when I'm talking with her.
Looks like I've failed in making a point. So I'll just leave it here, with no point. Thanks for reading, if you have. Appreciate it.
poster:onceupon
thread:919225
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090907/msgs/919225.html