Posted by FindingMyDesire on June 1, 2009, at 0:48:23
In reply to here's the message she left, posted by raisinb on May 29, 2009, at 14:43:09
I, too, am coming to this thread very late. (Been out of town.) The feelings you are describing are so close to what I have been experiencing this past couple of weeks I hardly think I should write. Could say something that's too much about me that might miss *you* and you have had enough of that!
I'll just say that feeling like your T doesn't get you, isn't focused, doesn't care, etc. is just excruciating! I am so sorry this is happening.
I will risk saying one thing (OK, maybe two). Is it possible, even a little possible, that when you experience these cycles of having a "good" session and then having one that feels disconnected that it might be you pulling back from her? (In which case I would want for her to notice that and help bring you back.) It sounds like you have already really looked at this one, but it's just a thought.
I will also share this. I recently tried to quit therapy cause I was too angry with her, not getting enough I felt, and just in too much pain to handle it all. I felt like she would have just let me walk too. Why didn't she stop me? In a series of bad phone messages where she claims I continued to experience miscommunication, she ultimately told me she was "confused." Basically she was seeing me sending two messages - one that I wanted to quit and one that I needed more of her. DUH!!!!!!!!!!!! HEEEELLLLOOOOO?????? I am not at all trained as a therapist and I would have seen this one clearly. She said, however, that she does have to respect me. She can't make me go or stay or anything. I was just so mad that she didn't see through my "wanting to quit." Couldn't she have just saved me from myself if she really cared about me at all???????? I finally wrote to her in between a bad session and the next one where I thought I might not go. I said in there (feeling as small and pathetic as you can imagine) that I had been lying when I said I wanted to quit. That actually, if I say that it means I am hurting my absolute worst and that I need her beyond words. (Again, I wanted to say DUHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!) But it did make a huge difference between us once I survived what I felt was shame for needing her so much.
OK, truth is that I haven't at all recovered from that shame yet and I'm kind of in the middle of it. But at least I feel like she is with me now.
Hope that story helps in some way maybe, and doesn't simply annoy.
I'm sure thinking of you right now. I hope you can somehow work through this one way or another.
((((((((((raisinb)))))))))))
poster:FindingMyDesire
thread:898180
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090515/msgs/898720.html