Posted by DAisym on January 1, 2009, at 23:56:58
I'm in a weird space. I went to therapy on Monday, happy to see him and with lots to tell. I wasn't stuck like I am sometimes after a break. I talked most of the session. We did open up some hard things, particularly about my mother. Spending time with her always makes me long for what she just can't give.I found myself super angry after the session. I was angry at my therapist without any real reason. It was about how one-sided this relationship is and about how much more important it is to me than him. I tried to write about it and figure it out but mostly it was just a rant about being "tricked" into caring for someone who didn't, couldn't or wouldn't, care about me.
On Tuesday, I forced myself to tell him about these feelings. It was hard - because we were going on another break for the rest of the week. I didn't want to be upset with him or worse, think he was upset with me. I couldn't get it right, the more I talked, the less I made sense. It was frustrating. Because I could hear myself and I knew how ridiculous it all was.
Of course he cares about me. And of course, he can't be part of my "real" life - nor me his. This is a therapy relationship. He asked me what kind of relationship I wanted from him - and I honestly answered "the one we have." Because I wouldn't trade it for anything. So why was I mad? Somehow there was this whole idea that he doesn't share, but when he does, it hurts sometimes. Or he doesn't touch - but I'd freak out if he touched me. He says he thinks about me, even when I'm not there, but how do I trust that? I couldn't get to it so he asked if I could try to write it and send him an email about it. I did try - and he wrote back. I felt better but not completely.
The anger has kind of dissipated over the past few days. But there is this lingering frustration - is this the optimal frustration that Kohut talked about? The frustration that motivates us to make changes - to DO something about the loneliness?
Sometimes I hate therapy. It feels too complicated and like one more thing to have to deal with. But part of the hate is the fear of losing him - of losing my space there. So how do you reconcile all of this? Is this something we have to keep bumping up against in a long-term therapy? And how much do all these feelings stem from spending time with my mother? Could I really be mad at her for not being there and now I've (God forbid) "transferred" these feelings?
I'm such a cliche. Ug.
poster:DAisym
thread:871870
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081219/msgs/871870.html