Posted by antigua3 on December 19, 2008, at 22:51:31
In reply to Re: Is therapy just blowing smoke up our a*s? » Looney Tunes, posted by Wittgensteinz on December 18, 2008, at 6:13:24
Hi Witti,
I stopped dead in my tracks when I read this part of your post."Being abused can have a big effect on ones life and on ones personality BUT it isn't a person's identity, it isn't the whole person - and the therapist is treating the person as a whole, not just a person's being a victim. Likewise, with an abuser, it is a person who has done x, y and z, but they are NOT x, y and z. It's perfectly possible to accept a person while finding some of their actions unacceptable. People generally aren't all good or all bad - and maybe for some people who do really terrible things it's easier to see them as all bad."
You are a much more compassionate person than I am, and further along in your therapy, I guess, but having been abused as a child has colored, and yes, formed my identity. It is at the core of my being. If it hadn't happened, I wouldn't be who I am, so I can't separate my experiences out from my wholeness as a person. To me, that's a fact of my life, not a choice to make it central, but a simple fact.
Also, I have a horrible time w/the word "victim." I can't see myself that way. I don't know why, and it's something to explore, but even the word makes me want to be sick. I'm not a victim; I'm not a survivor; I'm just me. Maybe it's because if I say I'm a victim, I have to assign blame, and I can't do that.
The other thing you said above about the perpetrator--about how they may have done X,Y and Z but that doesn't mean they are X, Y and Z. In theory, I understand what you're saying--but it does make them who they are, to me that is. I don't see how I can separate those out. If a person murders a child, then doesn't that make them a murderer? I'm confused I guess.
But, to be honest, I agree with you in many respects. It's easier for me to think that my father did X, Y and Z, but that doesn't make him a terrible person because for some disquieting reason I have a yet to hold him accountable. I'd rather think his actions were an aberration (sp?) of the father I so desperately love(d), but when I am able to look at his life clearly, while I can see how the abuse could have happened through his eyes, and seemingly see how the actions don't make the man, if I'm honest, the abuse is just a small part of an evil person.
I don't know what I'm trying to say here, really, so please don't be offended, because as I said, theroretically i can agree with what you've said, but in my case I just can't see it that way.
antigua
poster:antigua3
thread:869336
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081219/msgs/869770.html