Posted by lucie lu on November 14, 2008, at 9:53:48
In reply to Re: Going to therapy when sick--Update » Dinah, posted by Suedehead on November 13, 2008, at 20:24:51
Hi Suede,
I hope you're starting to feel better. Thanks for the update. Please don't shoot me for saying this (a simple you're-out-of-your-mind-lucie will suffice), but there are qualities to your "fight" sequence that make me wonder whether you, perhaps unconsciously, are expressing a real discomfort, perhaps an unacknowledged conflict between your relationship with your T and your goals in therapy. Sure, difficulty in opening up is hard and something of a major issue for many people who seek therapy. But in this case, I wonder if on some level you feel pressured to perform for him, to address his feelings, to "do it for him," before you are really ready to.
You've reported in various posts quite a number of statements your T has verbalized about his own feelings: frustration, guilt, hypochondria, sexualization, to name a few. Each of these disclosures can be rationalized and could be helpful in humanizing him, bonding etc. But on the negative side, T self-disclosure can feel, to the client who is vulnerable in this respect, like a subliminal request to attend to his feelings, thus transferring his sole responsibility to the client or the dyad. As was raised in an earlier post, the problem with T self-disclosure is that it often constrains or inhibits those clients who might feel they need to consider the Ts feelings before they've really had a chance to explore their own. Given that so many clients have spent years pleasing others at the expense of their own needs, a wandering focus between T and client can simply and unproductively repeat earlier experiences. This is partly the rationale for shutting out the Ts personal material, so the client can concentrate, perhaps for the first time ever, on his/her own feelings, thought, and needs. In your case, you may feel that you have to justify your Ts faith in you, i.e. his making you his confidante and sharing his feelings with you in ways he likely doesnt share with others, etc. But this may leave you worrying that in return, if you dont reciprocate by letting him in, or producing material, or whatever, that he desires, even if it is because you are just not quite there yet, then he will pull back out of frustration, irritation, second thoughts, maybe even shame. To me this worry seems echoed in your request that he never back off from what he professed at the initial disclosure. His response to you was sweet, very nicely said, appropriate, and reassuring. But if it were me, that wouldnt stop me worrying, deep down. I would feel deeply conflicted by his seductive invitation, no matter how well intentioned, and a sense of pressure (internal as well as external) to provide him with what I thought he wanted, and I would feel very anxious if I couldnt come up with the goods. Maybe I just dont like being coerced (there's a stubborn teenager within me). But I know my response would be either to shut down (usually) or answer with my false self rather than real self, hoping it would suffice (done that too). Of course, that may just be me Ms Insecurity 2008, Cosmic Caretaker, at your service (lol) but I do find that I identify with many things youve written about yourself in your posts. I can imagine how problematic it would be for me to feel responsible for my Ts feelings and expectations of me. My therapy would slow down to a crawl and maybe fail altogether. I have enough problems dealing with and disclosing my own feelings, and I always have to work to keep letting my T in, even after years of therapy!
Just my 2 cents, and thanks for listening. Talk about rambling! Maybe it doesn't fit you at all, maybe I'm just projecting - fits me to a T ;-)
LL, CC
poster:lucie lu
thread:862649
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081104/msgs/863006.html