Posted by Suedehead on November 13, 2008, at 18:30:34
In reply to Re: Going to therapy when sick, posted by Suedehead on November 13, 2008, at 8:04:38
I was about to call him when I remembered that he teaches a class right before our session and thus wouldn't be in his office (I don't have his cell number). So, I decided to go, but told him right away that I wasn't feeling well and would leave if he was worried about getting sick. He told me that I should stay, but asked if I knew that he was sort of a hypochondriac. I said that I didn't know, obviously, or I'd have stayed home. I felt pretty guilty at this point, but he reassured me that he didn't want me to leave.
We ended up kind of fighting the whole time. He was pushing me to open up and talk, and I was refusing, because that's what I do. This is an ongoing problem. He told me that he thinks he hasn't been hard enough on me. That he needs to be tougher, to make some demands on me. He admitted that he gets frustrated with me sometimes because he wants me to let him in, and that he thinks these feelings of frustration and longing for connection become sexualized, somehow. Interesting. I didn't respond much. I just couldn't get any words out.
He asked if I carried a version of him in my head. I said that I do, and he asked me what I talk to this fantasy-him about. I said, "If I could tell you that, I wouldn't need a fantasy-you in the first place." We sat in silence for a long time. He said that he felt guilty for pushing me, and that he was worried that he'd hurt me, but that he needed to find a way to make me stop hiding from him. He said something about feeling like he's not allowed to be frustrated with me, and I told him that he is, that I can handle it. He smiled. "What?" I asked. He said, "That was just a genuine smile. The way you said that was really sweet."
On my way out, I finally mentioned (in passing!) this thing that happened this week that has been making me feel really terrible and that I had wanted to talk to him about for days leading up to our session. I always do this. Wait until the last possible second to open up and then feel totally exposed and alone until the next session, during which I shut down all over again, etc. I apologized for being such a pain, and he said (something like), "You're not. Well, you are, partly, but the part of you that isn't is much bigger and more important. And I'm not angry, and I won't ever kick you out, or abandon you, or stop liking you, even when there are problems in our relationship."
I feel totally drained. This is probably a really disjointed post--I apologize for that!
poster:Suedehead
thread:862649
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081104/msgs/862922.html