Posted by Wittgensteinz on November 9, 2008, at 16:19:29
The last week, there have been a number of threads that have drawn me in but which I have had to let go by because things were too busy to post.
My mother was here until yesterday and I held it together just fine but now... my head is such a mess! It's almost like I am drunk (and I don't drink). I feel exhausted, hurting, confused. I can't concentrate and my eyes don't seem to be working, sigh. I start a course tomorrow, which I am a little nervous about - actually I can't even think about it.
Why am I such a mess? I wrote something short a few days ago about the rupture between T and I - well things are moving on but there's not repair taking place. I can't help but feel this is really not a good thing. Things won't just 'disappear' - I can let them sink and try to forget about them but then I'd be doing myself and him a dishonesty. How can therapy proceed if this is how things are? I'm in a rather fatalistic mood right now - if feels like there is only one outcome at this rate - how to avoid it? Why won't my T see that a repair is so desperately needed. He just seems to say something that makes things worse whenever the topic enters the room, or I see him trying to push things onto something else. This is not how he usually operates. I feel in panic.
I'm sorry to write such an odd post - I don't even have the energy to read it back. The last few weeks have been too painful for me and there's no remorse. It's exhausting, and being in pain and having to hide it is even more exhausting. I don't think I've ever spent such an intense time with my mother, and that has brought up all manner of feelings - predominantly guilt at how I was counting the days, hours until she left.
Confused and lost :(,
Witti
poster:Wittgensteinz
thread:861841
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081104/msgs/861841.html