Posted by Dinah on November 4, 2008, at 7:21:48
In reply to Life shouldn't be this hard - triggers, posted by DAisym on November 4, 2008, at 0:49:16
> I just want to be normal and be able to enjoy what most adults enjoy - physically being close to another.
First, I think you'd be surprised at what's in the wide range of what "most adults" enjoy. Sexuality is a very complex matter, and many people with no psychiatric history at all would fall at the edges of normal.
But also I'd agree with your therapist. There's no point in forcing yourself to do things because you think it is required of you. Without the proper preparation you're not likely to be desensitized and more likely to be retraumatized.
At the risk of TMI, I found the best thing for my sex life was to think about it in pieces. Admittedly I have no history of abuse. But it was not too long ago when I would have denied liking (or even not hating) *any* of it. I zoned out, I avoided, I hurt.
With my therapist's help, I was able to break sex into it's component parts and separate those things I actually kind of like, those things I don't mind doing, those things I'm not crazy about but am willing to do, and those things I really don't like to do and that really upset me. With my therapist's encouragement and obvious endorsement of the fact that the left side of the chart (what I sort of like and what I don't mind) was plenty enough to offer, I talked to my husband about it. I asked him if we could minimize those things I don't particularly like, try not to do the things that upset me, and that the end result would be that he would get sexual intimacy more often and I'd be more enthusiastic about it.
My husband was a wee bit reluctant at first, but agreed to give it a shot. It's worked out great! Since I don't worry about where our encounters are going, I don't avoid them and can enter into them with a greater enthusiasm. Which more than makes up for what we no longer do, or do less often.
There were also some minor procedural changes involved. For example, it makes a huge difference to me to feel some control. To, for example, make the initial overture. Or... Well, that probably is TMI.
This was a humongous issue for me. And I don't really think it is any more. This might not be my husband's dream sex life. But I doubt many men end up with their dream sex life. Apart from all else, life intrudes.
I guess my point is that it's not altogether bad to give up the ideas of what you should like or what you think your partner is entitled to. This isn't a couple of animals rutting. It's a couple in a relationship who are expressing one of many many aspects of that relationship. It's been my (admittedly limited) experience that offering what you can freely and with love rather than fear is better for a relationship than doing what you feel is your duty.
poster:Dinah
thread:860690
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081104/msgs/860708.html