Posted by seldomseen on November 4, 2008, at 5:47:56
In reply to Life shouldn't be this hard - triggers, posted by DAisym on November 4, 2008, at 0:49:16
> Discussion and planning only go so far. When you are faced with actually doing something you are afraid of, it feels totally different. And there are things you just don't anticipate and can't control.
****I hear you. I wish that I could make my therapist invisible and take him with me wherever I go - or at least have an emergency button that would summon him on command. However, a big part of therapy is being able to translate it to the real world. That part sucks and is really really hard.
> I thought I was ready for a sex life. Being in a new relationship is good and fun and I've been trying to accept that this part will be hard for me but that it will be OK. We've talked and talked and talked about this in therapy. My therapist didn't think I was really ready but I was insisting that there could be no more holding out, no more plausible excuses. He said that part of a relationship was accepting what the other person brought to it and what they needed. And I need to go slow. I agree but I have gone slow. It would be easier if I could just tell Mr. X what happened to me and why sex is so hard. But I'm not ready to bring that into this relationship - I don't know if I'll ever be ready.
***** This is also a real tough one - do you tell or not? And if so - when? I'm still struggling with this one. I know deep down that by not telling I'm not giving the other person even the chance to respond, which, in the end robs me of the understanding I deserve. I also know that what happened to me is something that I should not be ashamed of. I mean what if I had been injured and there certain things I just couldn't do? I would tell the other person that without reservation. So what gives with the CSA? I don't know, but it's different.
> So this was a significant weekend - I was spending three days straight with Mr. X, at his house. I was doing OK with most of it - but then I was thrown a curve ball. Something triggering and something we hadn't talked about in therapy. I was upset but felt so foolish - I'm not exactly 16 anymore. So I handled it the way I always have, I dissociated through most of it and then took control of the situation - which means I worked hard to please Mr. X sexually, it was no longer a mutual thing. This is my way of keeping myself safe - by keeping the other person happy and distracted.
**** I usually either drink my way through it, or dissociate like you. However (and I'm sorry if this is TMI) actually sleeping together (literally) in the same bed helps to foster closeness that makes it easier for me.
> It was hard to talk about this in therapy today. We spent the first ten minutes just talking about the less personal parts of my trip and then my therapist said very softly, "Are you OK?" I can't convey it here but that one question was loaded with so much concern and so much understanding of why I might not be...I was really touched. He clearly had been worrying about me.
>
> So we talked about it all in great detail and he validated all my feelings. He said it wasn't stupid, that even long-term couples have difficulty with certain aspects of sex. And he asked me to not be so hard on myself because protective patterns are hard to break. He wished for me that I could say, "no, I don't like that" but he knows that is still something we need to work on.
>
> I'm so sad and I'm so angry. I feel broken and like something has been taken that I can never get back. I just want to be normal and be able to enjoy what most adults enjoy - physically being close to another. Is that really so much to ask? How long do I have to keep paying for something that can't be changed? I thought I could power through it.**** Yeah, I'm not sure that is this something we can just power through. Your therapist is right, try not to be so hard on yourself. SOmetimes it takes trial and error to figure out what works for us.
> At the end of my session I was just sitting with tears running down my face. My therapist asked me if I wanted to stay longer but I told him there wasn't ever going to be enough time to make this better. And then - silly me - I apologized for sharing so many details and for being so graphic. I suddenly felt embarrassed - like TMI - and I didn't know how to take it all back. He said I did exactly what I should have done with my time today- that it helps him to know what happened and how I feel about all of it. He was really quiet though, like he didn't know what to say or do. I guess that makes two of us.
****You've got the best therapist in the world I think. Mine's good, but wow, yours should give seminars.
> I really hate this.
*** I know and I'm sorry. CSA is just the gift that keeps on giving isn't it? It's a struggle, but I will tell you that I have actually had sexual experiences that I have enjoyed. There have been moments when I got what all the fuss was about and maybe that's all anyone (CSA or not) ever gets - those moments.
Seldom
poster:seldomseen
thread:860690
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081104/msgs/860705.html