Posted by antigua3 on October 23, 2008, at 7:08:13
In reply to Make a Choice, posted by antigua3 on October 22, 2008, at 13:49:43
I'm so glad I posted this because I love the answers. You all made me really think about this in a different way.
My first inclination was to pick No. 1 because that's what I have been taught in psychodynamic therapy--that I need to open up, talk and feel my feelings, and express them--anger in particular--if I was to get through w/them. As a mother, I've always used this approach when one of my kids had a problem--let's talk through this so you can master it and move on.
I liked raisinb's assessment that doing that implies I can get "rid" of the little girl. I guess I've been thinking that way, but honestly, I was thinking that resolving them by talking would integrate her, instead of her sitting like an unexploded landmine right next to me all the time. Also, it does feel like that w/o resolving my issues w/her, I'm leaving her behind, and as I make progress, I feel like I'm getting further and further away from her, and building my life on stilts w/o the strong foundation of her underneath me.
My second reaction was, "Whoa, did he really suggest No. 3?" Doesn't that imply a relationship between the two of us that he says doesn't exist? That it's all about my relationship with my therapy and he is just driving the bus? It sounded heavenly that he would allow me to lean on him. (When I questioned him about this, he kind of stepped back from the offer, as he must have realized (or at least in my mind) that he had offered his hand! That's too personal for him. He must have thought, "What have I done?")
But I knew his suggestion was No. 2, and I was right. (Remember, he's CBT all the way.)
He says option No. 1 would lead to "paralysis by analysis" for me, which could be right, or wrong. My T thinks No. 1 is the right option for me, but that's the way we've approached my therapy all along. To express, absorb and master the emotion, and then move on.
So we talked about No. 2 and I understand his point of view and he's probably right. Not that I like it mind you, but I understand the value of it and how it has helped me to move on. W/option 2, my emotions (in his mind at least) erupt when progress is made, when I'm moving forward, and we deal w/the feelings then.
No. 3 was never really an option for him. He just doesn't do that, and I wonder why he really suggested it when he didn't mean it.
I guess my problem with No. 2 is how I already described it; that moving forwad implies leaving the girl behind. She's a ton of baggage to carry around--heavy, bulky and always in the way as I'm moving. Plus, who knows when she's going to explode? That's my interpretation, of course, my pdoc thinks she can be defused so there isn't an outpouring of emotion at one time, which is what I think he is avoiding w/option 1.
The funny thing is that after we discussed this, we went on to talk about how I hadn't been able to write since he had criticized my writing ever so long ago (except here on Babble, of course; this is my only outlet). We discussed why I had given him that power--and it is totally ridiculous--and I acknowledged that I was only punishing myself.
But then we got to some very powerful stuff about what it meant to the little girl to give her treasured writing to the adult male and for him to reject it. As if I had let the secret out (my writing has always been a very private thing to me; it's very hard, if not impossible, to show it to anyone) and I felt like he had punished me, like being the bad girl w/my father.
The discussion wasn't enough to make me return to writing, as much as I ache to, but it was progress.
It was incredible, and for the first time in ages I didn't stomp out in anger.
But think about it. He proposed No. 2, but when we discussed something so important to me, we moved to No. 1. Interesting for me to consider.
I can see the value in No. 2, but as a thorougly psychodynamic patient I can't reject No. 1. As a mother, I can't reject it either.
Thank you so much everyone. You have really helped me a lot.
antigua
poster:antigua3
thread:858747
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081018/msgs/858919.html