Posted by turtle on October 5, 2008, at 21:27:24
In reply to Bad place, bad place (miscarriage TMI) + LONG, posted by FindingMyDesire on October 5, 2008, at 4:24:17
FindingMyDesire,
I connect with what you are saying on so many levels. What you are going through is so profoundly painful and overwhelming. I am so very sorry to hear about your miscarriage and that you feel alone. Everything I want to say to you right now feels inadequate. All I can offer you is to let you know that you were heard and that I feel for you.
It is so very understandable that you feel crazy and that everything is out of control - in a very real way it is. The loss of a child never makes sense. Also, when you step back and look at the structure of therapy relationship (love and need within very firm bounds) it too can not make sense and seem designed to cause more pain.
I heard you when you said that your pain is more than that your therapist is not here for you in this moment. Having feelings for someone who is not available is almost too painful to bear. I too am a lesbian. You are right in that having feelings for a straight woman, or anyone else who fundamentally is not able to meet you equally in your attachment, feels very much like running into the boundaries of a therapy relationship. You took the risk to allow the attachment to form and now you feel burned by it. You wish that you could withdraw to protect yourself from further pain. You are also beginning to question why you feel this way with those who are unavailable and not with your partners. When the time comes, this is a valuable area to work through with your therapist. I too am beginning to look at this pattern in my life and trying to figure out why. I don't have the answers yet, but I wanted you to know that you are not alone in these struggles. I very much identify with all of this.
The more immediate need is the pain you are feeling right now, today. It's not crazy that you are thinking about your therapist at this time. Someone wise on this board introduced a concept that seems to apply here - AND. It's easy to spiral down and feel that since she isn't here for you now, none of the other things that you believed before are true. On closer look, you might find that you ran into the boundaries that are keeping her from being here for you now, AND she cares for you deeply. Nothing has happened to change her caring for you, in fact, as Lucie said your pain and honesty makes people feel even more like reaching out to you. You *are* loveable, you are deserving of comfort, you do deserve to have your needs met. I'd also like to echo what Nadezda said - don't hold yourself to being an ideal patient right now. Ask for what you need, express your anger and sorrow. Can you leave a message to ask for extra time when she gets back? You need the support and time to sort all of this through. If there ever was a reason to ask for more, this is it.
Be gentle with yourself and try not to close yourself off. I know that you feel some angst over the fantasy aspect of your feelings for your therapist and feel like pushing her away right now. You need her comfort. There is no right or wrong way of "holding onto" your therapist between sessions. Sometimes when I feel lost or anxious I pull up the covers in bed, close my eyes, and try to put myself back into the therapy chair. I look in her eyes and feel the warm welcoming smile. I try to remember different aspects of the relationship and allow whatever comes up. Eventually I realized that it really did feel like I was snuggling in with her and feeling comforted. It's OK. Allow yourself your needs right now, especially your need for comfort and love.
Turtle
poster:turtle
thread:855824
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081005/msgs/855940.html