Posted by lucie lu on September 28, 2008, at 0:19:41
In reply to Re: Partners' feelings about your LT therapy?Long, posted by DAisym on September 22, 2008, at 23:07:56
> I'm late to this thread - I've struggled with what it calls up in me.
Sounds like this has been a painful area for you too.
> Many, many (18?) years ago, I went to talk with one of my psych professors about a career change. In addition to teaching, she had a private therapy practice. We talked for awhile about the kind of work I was wanting to do and she astutely said, "It doesn't sound like your husband will be supportive of the demands this work will make of you and your family. Perhaps you should both do some marriage counseling to see if you can figure out if it will work." I think she knew, even then, our relationship had problems. But there was no way he was going to do that, so I let it drop, had another baby and life went on.
>
> When I crashed about 5 years ago, all I wanted was to find a therapist who could fix me enough so that I could resume life the way it was. I had no intention of getting a divorce, even though deep down I think I always knew that this was one of the reasons I was in therapy - to find the courage to leave a bad situation. It took three years but I was finally able to leave. My husband hated my therapist almost from the get-go, without ever meeting him. He called him a "quack" and a bunch of other not-very-nice things. I spent a great deal of time either hiding the fact that I was going, or trying to make it seem like we were working on ways for me to be a better wife. Sex was a huge issue for me and I was learning in therapy to say, "no, I don't like that." Imagine how that went over!I also have felt I needed to keep therapy in the closet, so to speak, even though my husband is all too aware of it and sees right through that. But he doesn't see how our reactions to that dynamic just perpetuate it. I know this is very difficult for him. The reverse might have been true for me too except that I have my own experience with therapy. Even though I would know what he was likely to be feeling when he was going through transference (hypothetically - he's never had regular therapy), I like to think that I'd be able to keep it in perspective. And maybe I wouldn't. Hard to foresee.
> At the end of our marriage, I cried a lot in therapy over "choosing me" instead of him. I felt selfish and like the worse person on earth. My husband to this day, blames therapy for our breakup. When I bring it up, my therapist says he'll accept that blame. He helped me see how destructive things were at home and then he helped me see that I was worth saving - that it was OK to choose me.
The guilt must have been terrible. It can be so hard to take that "I need this for myself" stance, especially when it leads to something like divorce. I'm sorry you had to go through that.
> I've said more than once that I feel bad that I used therapy to learn how to leave, instead of learning how to live with it. The last time I was struggling with this my therapist said, "when you were a little girl, your mom didn't help you "leave" your dad. It was a bad situation and you needed someone's help. You didn't get it. With your marriage, you needed help to figure out what you wanted and then you needed my support to help you actually leave. Everyone needs support to do the really hard things. That is what I'm here for."Your T is so good.
> So my husband was probably right to hate my therapy - he knew it would change me and it did. I think that is why so many partners feel strongly about LT therapy - we can't just dismiss their fears and promise that nothing bad is going to happen. Change is what therapy is about. And change, good or bad, is hard for most people.
>As I said in another post, the partner doesn't really have a choice in changing if you do, and that must feel pretty unfair to them. Changing when they are not motivated to do so or when they feel it's not in their interests must be especially hard for partners.
>
I'm sorry you have had to go through so much, Daisy but I'm really glad you have the T you do.
Thanks for sharing your experiences.Lucie
poster:lucie lu
thread:853000
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080920/msgs/854549.html