Posted by turtle on September 20, 2008, at 22:25:37
In therapy I always need to be covered. I started to think of the couch pillow in my lap as my turtle shell protecting me. Im just too exposed and vulnerable without it. I pull issues out of the shell one by one to look at them, then tuck them back in at the end of the session to hide them. Very little penetrates my protective shell. I have a huge need to be safe.
My first therapist terminated me suddenly after two years because I never got over my fear. I was completely shut down during most of my second year with her, and we both made many mistakes and never repaired them. We were not a good fit and it was a very painful termination. (She even commented once that she wanted to take my pillow away!)
I am now 8 months into therapy with a new t who is absolutely wonderful. She is wise, patient, caring, warm, and most importantly safe while pushing me in all the right areas. Im making a huge amount of progress. My experience with the two therapists is as different as night and day.
This week I found myself talking about some of the pain I still feel from the mess in my first therapy relationship. It was a very intense session. Unfortunately, my new therapist doesnt have any pillows in the room so I take my coat in with me every session and hold it in my lap, even on the hottest summer days. Somewhere around the middle of the session I came out of the telling trance I was in and became aware of my body language. I had curled up and stretched the coat to its very limits to cover as much of my body as I could, and the hand holding the top part of the coat had also grabbed my shirt collar and pulled it over to cover the area of my neck that the coat couldnt reach!
The day after that session I realized that I may have had my coat covering me, but my real turtle shell underneath the coat was gone. During that session, I not only fully trusted her (huge!) but I was also present, sharing my emotions, and allowed her to be with me to share the experience. My truths were all on the surface and available. I would have answered any question she asked without hesitation. I was open and connected. These are all huge accomplishments for me. This is all so new and scary.
This realization brought on a rush of gratefulness and a feeling of being so fortunate to have her support and help. I have this urge to start the next session telling her how much I appreciate her. Thinking about this in turn led to me feeling what I can only describe as Need. Huge and terrifying Need - for my t, for comfort, for closeness, for it all. Ive been very alone all of my life and having support and trust is new. The Need feels like Im drowning in it. Im holding my breath and it just aches. I cant shake it off or make it go away. (My usual dysfunctional ways of making this type of thing go away arent working as well any more.)
I know Im supposed to talk to her about this, but Im not sure yet if I can. This make me want to pull back and I feel like I just cant do this. The desire to run away is intense. Its way too painful and it makes me feel like I want to just pack it all up, quit therapy, go back to the way things were before, and just be safe.
By the way, Ive been lurking on this site for about a year. (Yes, turtles are slow in many ways!) I credit much of my progress and success with this new therapist to all that I have learned from all of you (and my ts skill too of course!). There are some very courageous and insightful people on this site. Therapy is not easy. (Thank you!)
Thanks!
Very naked Turtle
poster:turtle
thread:853181
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080920/msgs/853181.html