Posted by Daisym on August 17, 2008, at 23:24:10
In reply to FF did way better job expanding on ideas in post, posted by zenhussy on August 17, 2008, at 10:59:39
It has been an interesting weekend and I've done a lot of thinking. (always dangerous, I know.) I think part of the struggle is that BEFORE therapy I was great at being optimistic - I thought I could change the world. I was the absolute picture of let it roll off - I almost never said, "why me?" or "it's not fair." I really was super self-sufficient and it didn't feel like something was missing. The depression that landed on me was extreme and foreign - a true "mid-life" crisis - but I expected to get over it a lot quicker than this.
Now I find myself saying, "this stinks" or "this is so unfair" all the time. Therapy has been important for recognizing and naming my feelings and for getting out of a very bad marriage. But somewhere along the way I seemed to have forgotten my own strengths. And I recognize very powerful feelings of not wanting to take care of my own sadness - I want my mommy (or my therapist) to come and comfort me. I want someone's attention. I can connect the dots - I recognize these as old, unmet needs. Perhaps this is another painful corner to be turned - to really know that these needs can never be met because you can't go back. And I think that this is one of those "rip the bandaid off fast" events - there is no way to gradually stop wanting my emotional needs met by my therapist, drawing it out and being rejected (not overtly but in the recognition of what he can't or won't do) is too hard. I think it actually keeps me in a place of wanting - instead of the near death and then recovery of fully facing that it is up to me now. I dread letting go of the hope that these old needs will be met, of course, but seems like it will be better in the long run.
I haven't figured out exactly how to bring this up tomorrow - but I will. I feel pretty calm tonight and I think I'm in a good place - its painful but somehow that's OK too.
I'm remembering (again) how much I learn here and how much comfort I've always found. Thank you all for this.
Daisy
poster:Daisym
thread:846523
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080810/msgs/846937.html