Posted by DAisym on August 15, 2008, at 21:05:17
I've figured out that I have a very hard time when I think my therapist is diagnosing me or putting me in some kind of pathological group. And I really don't like it when he agrees with my own assessments. I guess he is "supposed" to just jump in and say, "no, no, really, you are alone and isolated because of all these things - it isn't your fault..." Ug. Instead he asks, "what do you think would help you not feel this way?"
I make fun but it hurts. And feeling the hurt alerts me to the truth that perhaps I don't want to do my own hard work around populating my life with supports and activities. I complain about being alone or not really knowing where my passion lies anymore - but I don't do anything about it. I hide with my books or I work all the time. Do I want my therapist to just fill up the void with his caring?
Last session he said, "I think it is going to take a psychic shift in something fundamental about your organizing principles. You need to find somewhere that you feel you belong." I know he isn't sending me away but...
And I looked up "abandonment depression." I'm not BPD, not that this matters. But the basic descriptions of this form of depression filled me with so much shame. I feel like I should be able to talk myself out of being depressed - I can be alone with myself and be fine. And do I make unreasonable demands on him for attention? I hope not but probably. I resolved to be "better" - to be "happier." I want to be like Oprah and write in my gratitude journal. Sadly, I don't even have one. I know you can't just talk yourself out of depression and PTSD. But I sure am "fine" right now.
so why do I want to cry?
poster:DAisym
thread:846523
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080810/msgs/846523.html