Posted by sassyfrancesca on April 17, 2008, at 15:33:34
In reply to Re: I LIED to my T...Very Bizarre Situation, posted by Dinah on April 17, 2008, at 14:53:35
> Hi, Dinah...I really appreciate the input. I have been dealing with so much for so long with him (t).
Of course it is very confusing.
I think what happened was that he was feeling guilty about his feelings (and looking for me at the conference dance, etc), and was trying to feel better/assuage is conscience.
Maybe it changes everything if you're also in a personal relationship.
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> But...
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> While total honesty might not be the best policy for a personal relationship, he *is* still your therapist. And it doesn't sound as if he's willing to have only a personal relationship with you, from what I understand you as saying, which might be all wrong.He did say awhile ago: "If I were not married, I would go for it, but I would have to stop being your therapist." I think he stopped that a long time ago, although he is amazingly helpful with anything I do bring up.
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> Can you stick a toe in to being honest about this? Yes, I can..and willIf he already knows, he isn't likely to terminate you.
He told me: "My colleagues would tell me to run fast and far, but I will never abandon you." I believe that, but since then......things have gotten a little "heavier"---more intense, etc....he keeps revealing more (which he should not).
And you can always back off if it looks like it's going badly. Yes, like poking at a sore tooth, LOl, LOL
I do that sometimes. Sort of "What would you do if I answered you xxxx". Then if he said anything like "I'd have to terminate you" you could say "Well then I'm darn glad I don't have to answer it that way."
Excellent.
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> A lot of times I find out I'm worrying about nothing. I do that too.
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> It must be hard to have a personal as well as therapeutic relationship. Absolutely! Crazy-making time!What you want a beau to know about you and what you want a therapist to know about you are not always the same. Plus there's more reciprocity in a personal relationship.
He has shared an amazing amount of information.....abused as a child (molested once); his father's recent death, what his mother is like; very sweet and loving.....things about his siblings....and the most shocking thing of all to me.....he said he didn't see himself as someone that someone else (like me) would be interested in (he IS an attractive man) ...we did discuss it, too.
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> I struggle with this sometimes, when I know my therapist is under a lot of stress with his "real" life. I care about him so much, and sometimes I want to not burden him with my issues or to take care of him in some way.I understand, and that is when things aren't right; we aren't supposed to take care of Their needs (but as women, we are nurturers...usually).
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> But I guess it depends on which relationship is predominant. My therapist and I have a mutually caring relationship, but it's not a friendship. I don't pay friends in dollars. I "pay" them through the reciprocal give and take of a relationship.That is something all of my friends are so upset about; that I still pay him (he is enjoying our relationship as much as I am); getting together for mutual satisfaction, as it were.....He even said once...."I should pay you."
The reason I went to him is long over (4 years), but I stayed with him for support (went to him for spiritual abuse stuff; my church of 31 years voted me out of membership, because I got a divorce after 31 years of abuse...he is an expert in that field (spiritual abuse).
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> I have to remind myself that when I write him a check each week, that's my part of taking care of him, and it separates a purely personal from a professional relationship. And then I have to respect him enough as a professional to let him be my therapist. Which means being honest with him unless being honest would actually bring on termination. Fortunately that's never come up, but I've been clear I'd consider that the same as an agreement entered to under duress, and would lie if I had to. It sure would be hard to keep positive feelings about him, though, if he forced me to lie in order to not have him abandon me.I understand. I don't believe for a minute he was threatening abandonment, I just didn't know what might happen next, and thought it might be negative or scary, so this Sunday evening I will discuss it. As he has said, the client is the only one who knows when it is time to go.
Hugs, Alice
poster:sassyfrancesca
thread:823448
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080405/msgs/823826.html