Posted by Daisym on February 3, 2008, at 22:06:59
In reply to Definition of Dependent Relationship long, posted by rskontos on February 3, 2008, at 18:54:37
You just told me again why it is hard to be dependent, not really what you think being dependent would look like. From what you wrote, I can see why it would be. We had similiar needs to be independent -- In my house, it was important to take care of everything to avoid blow ups and to appear to the outside world as "perfect" so that no one would look too close.
But what I was asking is what you imagined being dependent would look like? Would you call your pdoc and cry everyday? Would you not be able to make a decision without him? Would you need to see him every day - or have some kind of contact every day? Is that what you are afraid of?
I need my therapist to provide a container for all these old feelings - and all the memories and the flashbacks. There have been times when I literally felt like I was coming apart (fragmenting) and I needed him to help me titrate all of this. I'm dependent on him for this support. And I admit to calling him up and crying, asking him if I'm going to ever be OK. I needed him to say yes, with his help.
Some people see dependency as giving themself away and allowing someone power over them. This is one of the things I've struggled with a ton. If I'm really dependent on my therapist, what would I be willing to do to not lose him? This makes dependency really scary.
I think if we can figure out what our picture of dependency looks like - both a good picture and our "bad" picture, then we can begin to work on a realistic picture. The roughest part about allowing trust and dependency is that this seems to unlock so much of our stored pain and it comes up and out. It is easier for me to struggle against the dependency than to confront the pain. And I have this whole pride thing that gets played out too.
I hope this isn't too pushy. It's just that I've been there and I had several good people here help me feel safe(safer?) with all my feelings of dependency. And so far - its been hard but worth it.
poster:Daisym
thread:810610
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080126/msgs/810642.html