Posted by Eltoro on December 18, 2007, at 20:08:38
In reply to Re: Bad therapy ending, posted by lovelorn on December 18, 2007, at 19:03:00
Thanks guys.
I improved a lot in 2 years thanks to her, i was almost ready to be happy at 32 years old, but I was very negative this last 2 months, and seldom said things that could be offensive if taken out of context, some were just offensive by mistake, i was distracted and unaware of her feelings because I didnt want to know her feelings, because the only thing I would have seen is a reflection of myself i didnt want to see: pity, loserness (i made up a word, yay), a pathetic individual sitting in front of her, so I avoided being in a position to get some feedback. She did try to snap me out of it, but I was mainly negative or apathetic in return. I was downright cynical about my negativity at the end, just trying to figure out a way to end therapy on a positive note (hence the hug and greeting fantasies).
In her defense.. when she said "do you want me to act like a mom?" she was being sarcastic, well, actually, it doesnt make it that much better, but she was tired already of me pushing to one area (personal) and her bringing me back to structured therapy, and altough I didnt know at that point, she thought i was coming on to her or something.
Its really tough to look at this clearly, she is a good therapist, she just fumbled the footbal on the 4th quarter, bad. And I cared for her a lot, its sort of like trying to picture your brother as a murderer, you just cant no matter how much blood he has on his hands (and the dead body).
I remember often making comments that could be offensive if taken out of context, and I had a habit of sometimes keep things ambiguous, so she wouldnt figure me out and then point out she was wrong about it. And its true, i take people for granted, my fear of humilliation and of getting hurt makes me wary of people so i have a hard time opening up and I dont try to get people to open up either, it feels like im prying or forcing things.
I am not suffering, except on this issue, it does keep my busy at night and in the morning, i cant close it. But I know I can get over it if I try, but i feel the urge to make this count for something, to change in some aspects, even the ones she pointed out. I felt like selling my car and running to europe for a while, or to move out of town anticipatedly, and now I am finding my confort zone again, being my own enemy of sorts. :(
Maybe she is right and I am too manipulative and crafty to make the world accomodate to my needs, my subconcious needs for empathy and peace of mind, because frankly, i feel terrible inside, and I know i have to do some changes, but deeper inside i just cant bear someone disliking me that much, someone i care for, i have fantasies about smoothing things up with her, instead of trying to live with that. All i know is if i choose to live with this, i will always be resentful of her, and I dont like that idea either.
Its like a bad break up, and I cant get out of it no matter how bad it hurts, i have the urge to come back and fix it, except im the only one interested in fixing it, so im screwed.
Well, thanks again. Ill update if i find a new therapist.
poster:Eltoro
thread:801388
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20071215/msgs/801497.html