Posted by eltoro on December 18, 2007, at 2:45:18
I just finished 2 years in therapy, everything went well until about 3 months ago when my optimism started declining until it became blatant negativity. I never noticed how much i changed because I believed my negativity was founded by my lack of money, i was going to get paid for a project and it got delayd those 3 months.
Aditionally, I am movint out of town so therapy termination was inminent, i dealt with it the wrong way, the last 2 weeks (i went 3 times per week) i was even indirectly critiquing her methods and she was mildly confronting me. Then it blew up.
During a session a week before the scheduled departure she kicked me out of therapy because she was not willing to deal with my negativity, 10 minutes earlier she had threathen me to kick me out according to her, but I read it as a legitimate question as if that was what I was looking for, so I didnt see it coming.
I had written her a letter the day before but she hadnt read it by the time i went to therapy that day, i was frustrated the day before so I sent that email, and when i got to therapy that day i got frustrated even more that she had not read it. That got to do with my outburst i think.
I wrote another email telling her how awful i felt and that i needed to know whats going on and to apologize for my behaviour, which was still unclear to me, i was assuming she was 100% right and i was 100% wrong. So she accepted my request to go to a session again and I apologized again. I have no access or permission to really talk to her, she does not talk about her, ever. I was limited to explain my side of things, that I was looking for a symbolic goodbye hug, or a pat in the back, and I got needy, and she refused to divert from structured therapy, said I was trying to make the rules. But painfully for me that session ended with me being a manipulative and insensitive person again, thats the summary of all.
A couple days later I start to realize the punishment is wildly uncalled for, I had no intentions of ever offending her or making her feel bad in any way, I was lost, I never planned anything, I was numb (by choice i admit) until i got money to start my life again, a pessimistic posture yes, but it does not mean I am a monster.
Why is she making me feel that way? Here i am thinking i have no soul, and that she thinks I was coming on to her, that im a pervert. Because I told her I was subconciously trying to make the rules bend on my side to get some sympathy from her, I made an analogy on another email that i felt like a street dog, shy, looking for some attention from anyone, to be pet, sadly submissive to the point that makes you want to kick him, put him out of his misery, I also mentioned she had what I needed.
So now i think she constructed a whole sexual manipulation scheme from my part, because of the petting and my needs, and because of certain things i said in session, like my frustrated fantasy to get that hug.
It feels like absolute hell having to explain via email to someone that you are not a pervert even if you are not sure thats what she is thinking, to have to explain yourself `just in case'.. mainly because she has shut you out and has build an aura around herself that the though of contacting her is so out of line its unbearable, because she is so righteous and i am a piece of scum, my neediness to correct this will only add to that.
Never again will I submit to anyone like i did to her, at least she made that happen. At first I thought I was going to be able to avoid suffering from this simply by letting time pass and watching tv, movies, avoidint the issue as I always do with my problems, but i feel the scar forming somewhere inside me, I cant let it go, but i cant solve it either.
Now i have to go to another therapist just to understand what happened on that last episode. I have an urge to know to what extent she was entitled to terminate therapy like that, 1 week before the scheduled ending, on such a negative note, summarizing it all into "i dont have to forgive you, you have to deal with yourself and your issues" as she stands by the door... but thats not the worst part, at that point i was still convinced she was entitled to do that so i replied
Me: "can i come later?
Her: We are not going to solve this in 2 weeks
Me: no, i mean later, in time.
Her: well, therapy is over... but, i dont know, we'll see.She said that with the most careless and righteous attitude, like a 13 year old girl.
What to do? well, i need a couple sessions with a different therapist to figure a big chunk of this, and I need to know why i resist to blame her as she deserves.
Comments are welcome.
poster:eltoro
thread:801388
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20071215/msgs/801388.html