Posted by DAisym on October 30, 2007, at 19:04:30
The past few weeks have been intensely hard. There are many, many pressures impacting my life. And internally, my feelings feel like a shape shifter - one day I feel young, the next very old. I'm figuring out that I'm lonely, and perhaps ready for a relationship and yet that is terrifying. My therapy group has disbanded, which was a hard thing to say good-bye to.
I need my therapist and yet there are ruptures, mostly created by me, to our connection. We get things back together pretty quickly because I can't tolerate the distance so I am much more honest about what is upsetting and why. This is good, right?
Today I told him that there has been this voice in my head that whispers angry retorts to his questions. For example: My therapist asked, "did you get stomach aches a lot as a child?" I said, "yes, but I never said anything." The angry thought was, "of course I did! You'd get them too if you'd been forced to do x,y, or z." I stopped talking and looked at him and just told him it happened again. He wanted to hear it, so I told him. He asked me if these thoughts were popping in because he was asking stupid questions or for some other reason? I chuckled but honestly, this isn't about the quality of the questions. It feels defensive and just plain angry.
He wants me to experiment with letting the thoughts out. "just say it" sounds easy -- but it isn't! I'm afraid he will get defensive or hurt - and I just don't want to lose him over and over again. It is scary and painful. He says he will protect the connection, I don't have to worry about this. But how can I not?
I just can't figure out what the need to bite back is. Any ideas?
poster:DAisym
thread:792390
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20071022/msgs/792390.html