Posted by Dory on October 1, 2007, at 13:41:42
In reply to Re: horrible things.. triggers and more » Dory, posted by twinleaf on September 30, 2007, at 14:22:50
> I'm sorry, Dory. I really mispoke. I don't think I understood how painful it is for you to have a sort of entertaining surface self, while underneath you don't feel entitled to even "have" your own feelings.
no, it's ok, i don't think you mispoke at all. Most people think that way about extroverted people... sometimes it's true. It's a part of something more reserved people wished thay had a little chunk of, so they never know that sometimes it's a prison. There have been positives, and there have been "gifts" or opportunities that i had because of it, no doubt. Job offers, making connections, etc... so, i suppose it's a useful tool sometimes. i just feel like i've got a tiger by the tail so to speak, it's controlling me and people think it *is* me. And worse, sometimes it overrides even common sense and i make poor decisions or act inappropriately because i can't tone it down. i'm not at all offended.
>
> I have read, several times, that emotional indifference and neglect is even more serious that physical or sexual abuse. They are all terrible, but being emotionaly neglected does lead to the feeling that you are suposed to take care of everyone else, but aren't entitled to any love, regard or care for yourself as you really are.i wish it were neglect.. although i suppose there was neglect as well. No affection, no words of support, no love in the physical sense (yes, all connotations)... for months at a time, and then even longer. Once it was 6 months without as much as holding my hand, much less any contact.
the "stuff" i suffered was emotional/mental... screaming (and i mean so that the air vibrated), belittling, threats of abandonment, threats of loss of security, being cursed at, objects thrown, public displays of screaming and swearing... and so much more. Oh god, so much more.
i woke up each day feeling a knot in my stomach. i walked on eggshells. i was afraid to be in my own home, but i was afraid to not be there too.
i did learn to take care of others first... from childhood on.. the above made it worse. i went from being everyone's advisor, caretaker, to being a personal 24/7 live-in therapist. Even my T thinks so.
so why can't i claim the same words as those who have been molested? why does it feel like it doesn't count as wrong enough?
i feel ashamed with no name for it. No feeling of having a right to name it or feel the way i do.
poster:Dory
thread:785960
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070929/msgs/786273.html