Posted by Dory on September 30, 2007, at 7:32:52
In reply to Re: horrible things.. triggers and more » Dory, posted by twinleaf on September 29, 2007, at 20:41:03
> Don't wait. That stuff sounds just horrible, and it's going to be very hard to bear it alone.
it is.. but i've come to the conclusion that my own traumas don't count somehow.. and i don't want to upset or offend anyone so i have to choose my words carefully. Today, thankfully, there is a lot more awareness and empathy for people who went through CSA... as it should be.. but for *me* it almost feels like anything else is second rate or "not as bad." It's like emotional or mental abuse.. "not as bad as being beaten." People don't seem to have the same level of compassion somehow.. so i don't feel like i can feel bad or have pain or make any claim to the words trauma or abuse. (i often just call it the "a word" it's so hard to say)
suffering through being beaten or SA'd is horrific.. but the one thing is that it can be claimed as WRONG. No question. i am always questioning... i had my T leave me a voicemail once about something i had told him... i asked if i was overreacting and he said "it's as bad as you think, in fact, it's worse because from the inside it's easier to dismiss it." i listen to that message over and over.
face it... we all think sexual abuse is worse right? being beaten is worse..
i'm not trying to compare exactly, although i suppose that is what i am doing... it's more that i don't feel i have the right to use certain words because i don't meet the standard or something.
was i beaten? no. was i whipped with electrical cords? no. was i burnt or locked in closets for hours or days? no. was i molested? no.
one child in that family was raped by her grandfather when she was 5... her brother and two sisters confirm it... they walked in on it and helped clean her up...
how can i dare sit there and use words they might use? i feel ashamed to even feel bad for my own "events."
>In real life, being delightful and entertaining is a gift- many people will never have thattrust me, they don't want it... it's not something to envy... the "delight" is something someone else might feel, but it isn't at all what i feel. i often feel hollow and dead inside but all the while i am making someone else's day with tales of escapades... or giving them whatever else it seems like they need at the time.
it's not a gift to be this way... it's a curse.. it's only a gift if you want to do it and are able to when you want to... it's a gift if you really feel the way you are presenting yourself. i hate being this way, but i recognize the value in being able to turn it on.
>it's something to let go of in therapy.
ah.. if only i could... now that would be a gift. Quiet me can be present, i mean, i can be quiet me... but it takes a special environment, special circumstances. SOmetimes it happens when i am overwhelmed and i can't put on "the show" anymore, but then it's a sort of shut down.. there is little usefulness in that... but the state of mind which occurs in the right environment, well, i think that could be very useful.
so.. i wish i could let go. i wish i could even tell my T what i would need to fully be quiet me with him.. but i can't.. i know what i need but i just can't tell him. How pathetic is that?
poster:Dory
thread:785960
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070929/msgs/786014.html