Posted by Dinah on August 13, 2007, at 10:58:57
In reply to ***** Long, tedious and triggery *****, posted by Tamar on August 12, 2007, at 21:52:23
I broke this down into three parts, and took advantage of the rule of three, because each part seems important to me, and I wanted to think clearly about it.
I know you know that the reception of a gift has nothing do do with the gift, and everything to do with the recipient. I know you know that in your mind at least.
I think a reasonably close analogy to your therapist would be if you picture a little girl with her family out in the countryside on a picnic. The little girl carefully creates a beautiful crown of wildflowers for her mother. She's careful not to bruise the petals, and she takes her time, and the result is beautiful and every reasonable person who sees it would see not only the beauty of the crown, but the love and care that made it even more beautiful. But the little girl's mother was raised by rigid parents who believed that giving children praise and attention would spoil them. And she read lots of child rearing books that would reinforce that position. She's packing up the car to go home, and when the little girl brings her the crown she fusses at her for not helping with the packing and thanks her for the crown briefly before leaving it in the grass. The little girl is of course crushed.
If you saw this, would you think the crown was bad or ugly? Would you think the little girl was revolting for crawling about in the grass to pick flowers? Would you think she was bad? I doubt you would. You would more likely get angry with the mother, or feel sorry for the mother that her upbringing and training caused her to lose such a precious gift that her daughter offered.
Your caring for, and trust in, and sexual feelings for your therapist are as absolutely perfect as a gift can be. All the more precious for growing out of your heart and soul.
You do not sound at all as if you are pushing yourself on him, or expecting that he reciprocate your feelings, or demanding that he do something sexual with you.
There is nothing ugly about your feelings, or about you as a person. I wish you could see yourself as others see you. And yes, I do realize there is a cost to pay in being love-able. And I hope that you realize that you don't always have to be wonderful here or anywhere else to be loved. You are love-able even when you're feeling at your least lovely. Or even if you aren't always as wise and patient and insightful as you so often are.
I'm going to use a theological concept here in a nontheological setting. Your therapist has trouble accepting the grace you are offering him. That's his issue, and his loss. He's so wrapped up in fears and reminders from his training, and likely NHS standards, that he has no room in his heart to accept grace, not from clients anyway. I feel sorry for him.
And I'm going to go out on a really long limb here and say that I don't think the most important issue in this is your therapist's response, as unfortunate and sad as it is. I think the real issue is your view of yourself, your feelings of self worth. And that's what you're in therapy for! I hope that even if he can't accept your gift graciously or tenderly, that he at least is able to help you learn to value yourself and not have the knowledge of your worth affected by the insensitive responses of others.
Easier said than done, I know. And likely the responses of others will always shake you, and everyone else. And warm you and reinforce your positive feelings about yourself. That's natural.
poster:Dinah
thread:775888
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070807/msgs/775983.html