Posted by sunnydays on June 9, 2007, at 21:40:34
In reply to Re: hard to leave... » sunnydays, posted by Honore on June 9, 2007, at 12:42:06
> I had thoughts about his not thinking about me-- how nothing really mattered--that it was mostly me deluding,. I had so many terrible thoughts that would flood into my mind and destroy whatever connection was built up during the time tegether that was good.
**** For me I'm not sure if it destroys the connection. It just makes me feel so desperate because I feel this pull towards him so strongly and when I'm alone there's no one to reach for. I don't have very many friends who are around this summer, and my parents aren't people I can talk to. So I just write to him and wait and wait. Don't you hate it when it feels like the only thing you did between sessions was wait for the next one to come around?
He would say that the way he is with his family isn't necessarily deeper or better than how he was with me.
**** Yeah - whenever I say I want to live with my T he says something like, "Well, I have a couple people that would tell you it's not all it's cracked up to be! But I understand that it's easy to imagine that you'd have my full attention all the time and I'd never get frustrated and it would be like it is in here." I liked how he said that. Because it's absolutely true that it wouldn't be the same, but it really showed that he understood what it was that I wanted.
That's what people carry with them-- not the actual other person, who is often somewhere else, doing other things. That thought really meant (and means) a lot to me.
***** Yeah, I had a similar thought once that helps me. I think of it like this - even if absolutely nothing else, I am a physical part of my T. He has a memory of me, and that is somehow encoded chemically in his brain, so that I am literally a part of him and he is a part of me. And that shows how much of a science major I am, but that helps me. And he is also in my spirit, too, I can feel it sometimes.
>
> It's an unconscious process but I found that I wasn't devastated on weekends-- mostly because the good experiences and the way he was with me made his words seem real-- not just empty promises or empty reassurance.**** Yeah - I don't spend the weekends devastated, it's just the walking out the door and the next few hours that are the most difficult.
Thank you so much Honore.
sunnydays
poster:sunnydays
thread:761923
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070525/msgs/762071.html