Posted by Dory on June 8, 2007, at 15:50:50
In reply to Re: Life is complicated, posted by B2chica on June 8, 2007, at 7:57:32
no, it doesn't sound bad in any way.. nice to comiserate actually. i was doing once a month with the previous T.. well it started as once a week, then every two weeks and then once a month.. it was all f*cked up and although i think it kept me alive and gave me *something* to cling to, i have a lot of hurt and anger with that guy. He actually did almost tell me to get over it... well, more like sh*t or get off the pot. i've been wanting to send him a letter, kind of an update, tie up loose ends and tell him to go f*ck himself.. all in one letter. It's hard. i want him to like me, be proud of me and all that jazz but i want to let him know he f*cked up too.
anyway..that was side tracked. i feel whiny because i just go around and around. It's the same freakin issue and i even *know* what would help but i *can't* do it... for many good reasons. This f*cking shovel is not helping me dig my way out of this hole i am in. Pardon all the swearing...it's my mood. i got a bone i am chewing on that i can't talk about here... grrrrrrrr.
i am considering all kinds of options. i just don't know which one to pick. Reducing the frequency is an option, an di am thinking about it, but what i found before was that i was dwelling and ruminating waaay too much. With weekly i do less of that. i theoretically could keep seeing him weekly... theoretically. i wish i could explain, but the whole reason i changed my name was i explained too much you know? Put it this way... my whole life for the past...um..9 yrs has been uncertainty. Hanging by a thread all the time, never knowing just what will work out and what will fall through. Literally being like a couple of hours away from complete disaster... imagine planning a dinner party and not knowing until ten minutes before your guests arrive whether you will actually have any food... THAT has been my life. It never stops. If i don't let go then it will stay that way... but i can't let go. Can't hang on, can't let go. Around and around and around.
i asked my T if i bored him... or frustrated him. i keep waiting for that. He asked why i would ask... but he missed the boat by then asking if he appeared bored. i was able to skip out of why i might ask by just saying no. Cat and mouse. i don't mean to play games but that one made me laugh a little. It was the end of session and too late to go into how unimportant i feel... but i know it, i'll bring it up another time.
i *think* i have the right T.. maybe.. yes? no? i don't know. In many ways yes, definitely. i just crave that one thing. hahaha.. how ironic! A woman and a little girl just went down the street past my apt and the little girl was just whining the word "me" over and over... hahahaha.. too funny. That is exactly how i feel.
i suppose my psych stuff is like my medical stuff..i don't *look* sick. i don't cry or look depressed mostly.. i don't look like i am in chronic pain either.
i want a real hug.. from a real life person. A hug that means something you know? not just the light touch how are you hug... i want to be held. i don't remember the last time someone held me.
poster:Dory
thread:761782
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070525/msgs/761878.html