Posted by Dory on June 5, 2007, at 17:38:58
In reply to Re: saw my T today, posted by wishingstar on June 5, 2007, at 0:30:23
i just don't know wishy. It helps that you understand how i feel.. he is so perfect for me in so many ways, we do connect intellectually and his advice and approach are good for me. i just want this *one* thing so badly.
the big problem is me.. how can he know when i am crying inside? It's not that i just don't show emotion, it's that i can't. i know the real me is emotional but i can't get through the walls i have built. For very good reasons i learned to hide how i felt. i want to change that but i don't know how. i want to feel true to myself and feel genuine, not like i am putting on a fascade all the time.
he knows that.. we talk a lot about the problems i have communicating and the things i want from him. i have tried to be painfully honest about the roadblocks i will put up. Maybe this is one of them.. i just don't know.
i mean, i know a lot of babblers want their T's to hold them or stuff like that... and as nice as that might be, it's not what i am trying to get. i want more outright, verbalized compassion. i think he feels it more than he lets me know, and part of that is because for most people they would recognize the more subtle cues and it would be common sense... i told him that he has been seeing me as being able to do things i can't. Unless he says outloud that he feels sad for me or asks me how i am feeling/felt... then something gets missed. THAT is what i want. i want him to help break through those walls.... meet me part way.
i have to talk to him more about this before i decide. It is so important to me now though that i probably will find another T if he can't do what i am asking.
i do know he is trying... he asked specifically what was helpful in the phone message he left me, and i told him it was the direct, literal verbalization of the situation. He had said "...yes, it's as bad as you think..." And that was like a wonder drug. One day he asked me to look directly at him and he said he wasn't dismissing my feelings.. again, wonder drug.
i just can't let him know when i need more of that because i can't seem to express what i am feeling. God.. i wish i could cry.. scream.. anything.
what can i do???
i hope you find a T that you can connect to wishy. You have struggled for a long time with this. i am only just beginning so i know your pain and frustration must be unbearable.
poster:Dory
thread:761151
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070525/msgs/761384.html