Posted by Honore on May 6, 2007, at 11:19:27
In reply to Re: why i'm touchy about this » Honore, posted by crushedout on May 6, 2007, at 10:40:28
I personally find anger to be a painful emotion, as I was saying.
I'm not sure why, but I feel partly afraid of it, and partly angry at myself, even when I'm angry at the other person, as well as a deeper sense of pain and loss underneath that, and fear of more loss, when I'm angry.
So, while I may find some release in turning to a kind of greater rage, in which all those contradictory and frightening emotions are wiped out in my complete negation of the other person-- I guess that's what happens-- I'm not sure that that extreme emotion-- when I give in to it-- gets me away. I think it might leave me in the same place-- back in the more scary, and confusing anger that I escaped, or even back in the old sense of connection that was unhealthy.
I'm not sure-- I'm trying to figure it out myself.
If the other person is there, and is working with me through the rage or anger-- I've found some other places. But without the other person's help, anger is one of those things that maybe just has to burn itself out over long periods of time-- if it gets that intense.
I find that that's happened (the burning down and eventually more or less out)-- but I'm sure it would flare up if something reminded me of the other person in a more immediate way. I guess that's why it's good to be away-- to prevent there being anything that causes the anger and hurt to come closer to consciousness.
Maybe that's what happened here, when you found the blog. The rage and hurt were burning down-- and will continue to, I'm sure-- but the blog reawakened some of the terrible feelings of the connection.
So you're working them through in the best way you can.
I wondered, when did you find the blog-- approximately. (I wouldn't want you to give any identifying information, because I don't think it would be good for her to identify you, even if she couldn't take any action.) I just meant in terms of how long you've been going through this--
Honore
poster:Honore
thread:756169
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070505/msgs/756280.html