Posted by wishingstar on March 1, 2007, at 18:23:53
In reply to Re: pdoc... more » Poet, posted by Iwillsurvive on March 1, 2007, at 9:33:14
I did go see Ginny this afternoon.
It didnt help at all, but I guess it didnt really hurt that much either. I guess I was hoping she'd change her mind when she was how hurt I was, but that didnt happen. I cut her off whenever she tried to get too emotional with me.. but I told her why I was mad, that I was hurt, that I dont trust her anymore, etc. She asked if I wanted to know about other options (places to get therapy) and I told her no. She ended up telling me anyway. I just told her over and over that I dont care and I'm done. She said that she feels like I'm giving her an ultimatum and being sort of manipulative... I told her that I can see how she'd feel that way, but its honestly how I feel and unless I lie, I cant really help how she feels. She referred to all this as part of the borderline thing.. not so validating, but ok. She suggested that maybe I should see someone else anyway, since I'm actually worse and not better now compared to months ago.. but she doesnt get it. It's only been 4 months.. and I really do rely on her. I know I'd be worse without her. These last 2 days is an exmaple of that.
I asked her why she waited until the last five minutes to tell me. She said she didnt think I'd react this strongly (I'm surprised she didnt suspect I would..) and she didnt want to bring it up earlier in the session because she didnt want to end up devoting the entire session to it. Great Ginny, thanks. Now we'll just devote SEVERAL instead. If I keep showing up.
I also told her I was mad because the only reason I stayed with her 4 months ago was because she said she'd make it work. And I would have gone somewhere else if I knew this would happen. She defended herself by saying that she'd told me there may be times when she couldnt.. and shes right, she did say that. She said things might come up from time to time, and I'm ok with that, if its not every week. But she never suggested it could happen permanently.
I told her how my pdoc gave me a 150 pills of this med that he said is toxic in overdose after I told him I was suicidal. She's calling him to tell him "her concerns with that". Hah. Shes also calling Laurie. I'm not totally sure why. Probably because shes hoping someone else will knock some sense into me, but whatever. I told her it was ok. I also called Laurie (at her suggestion) to see if shed see me once or twice for someone to talk to. I really miss Laurie. She feels safe to me still. I've never cried with her before, but right now I just feel like going to see her and just sobbing through a session. I need that. I hope she calls me back soon.
I dont know about ginny. She tried to get me to promise I'd be safe, at least until saturday, and I never did. She let me go anyway though. Shes going to call on Sat to check in because I told her I wouldnt call her, even if I needed her. Whatever. I kept my appts for next week but I told her I may or may not actually show up. I guess overall I felt like she did as well as she could with me today, short of doing what I wanted her to do. I still think shes being really unfair.
Then I got to the pharmacy to get my meds.. dropped of the rx last night.. but they still hadnt filled it. So I waited the 20 min while they did it. Went back up to check, and they said oh, we only have 15 pills. You can have those. Is that ok? Um, my rx was for 150! Couldnt they have told me that before I came to the store twice and waited 20 min? Could anything else go wrong?
Maybe I should be in the hospital. But what good would that do? None.
Hurting very very bad. Not very safe. Feeling very, very desperate.
thanks for reading.
poster:wishingstar
thread:736862
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070215/msgs/737429.html